Finally it was my turn.

Finally I got to know what it’s like to like some grown adult-sized human so so much that all I’d ever want is to squeeze them tightly in my arms.

Finally I got to know what it’s like to connect with someone, physically, emotionally and spiritually – as they are, as I am, as we are.

Finally I got to live out my biggest fantasy – being cared and loved.

Even until now, after a year into the relationship, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I am no longer single. With all the insecurities and the evils I’m aware of myself, it’s never easy for me to take a compliment, not to mention this huge love they’ve given. Hence, we clashed several times over the silliest little things.

And to make things “easier”, we’ve committed ourselves in a long distance relationship – because like what they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

But stronger how?

1. I’ve learned to be vulnerable

Undoubtedly, the indifference can distance us from the possible emotional harm or any unnecessary attachments. It can be a good defense mechanism in the current chaotic world, as we could cut off all the noises.

But when it comes to humans, how do we know which one is the “noise”? How are we certain that the person won’t hurt us? Or do we bother to know if ourselves is the “noise”?

As much as I pondered (or wanted to) those questions when I met them, it didn’t matter much. Nothing that I’d learned about defense could apply. They came into my life bringing their hopes and dreams, fears, wounds and secrets. I had no reason to hide anymore. I was pulled out of the shadow. By their vulnerability.

I’ve realized that speaking about your emotions, thoughts and worries is actually a way of facing the truth. Being vulnerable is being your authentic self. Living vulnerably is living truthfully, boldly.

Now, communication is all we have. As much as I want them to open up to me about their life, I am sure they want me to do the same. And while I’m aware of it, it’s still a long way ahead for me to be completely vulnerable with them and with myself.

2. I’ve admitted, I am selfish

More than I imagined.

Behind the polished, noble facade I’ve created for myself, I am a selfish, angry child.

Going through years of singleness, I thought I was ready to love and give. I saw other couples’ mistakes, how they fell apart because of their big egos, telling myself I would never make the same mistake. But in reality, I stepped into the relationship trembling on my own identity.

Being such a hypocrite, I tell them that I love them for what matters, which is themselves. Yet I get angry, I become a three year old cry baby when I don’t get the attention that I want, while all they do is being themselves. It’s only fair to ask myself if I love them or just the idea of being in a romantic relationship. Is my love unconditional?

Despite my rollercoaster emotions thrown at them, they choose to stay. They accept me for who I am. When they say they love me more, they do. My love could never be compared. As long as my ego can’t learn to navigate right, me loving someone wholeheartedly is difficult.

But I want to love. And so I am learning to love.

With them.

3. Gratitude is key

“Why are you doing that to yourself?”, Mom once said, since she knew how it was to be in a long distance affair. She said so as if I did something awfully to myself. Even my mind too is sometimes wondering what could be different if they were here with me. The texts and calls would then become meaningless. And everything seems to be in vain.

Yet, again, it’s the selfish mindset, I realize. Bickering myself over the situation, how I am treated and all is selfish.

Looking at the situation that I am in, it could be painful, undeniably. But it’s who I am in with that makes it all different. I am not with just anyone, I am with them. The fact that they chose me among many other options is already making me the luckiest.

Doesn’t the same go with any other things we have to deal with in our lives? Gratitude brings contentment.

…

Never did I expect being in a relationship could be this hard, nor realize the answer could be so simple.

The answer is in front of my eyes, so close yet so far.

The answer is you.

Update July 25, 2022: Anh left the chat.