Youtube has been my best friend these days.

During hard times, I watch Youtube for days on end. Clips after clips. Endless dopamine rush that distracts me from feeling my emotions. Crying is surely relieving but also exhausting, and the crying starts to feel useless. Pains seem to keep welling up. I wonder, how the sky used to be so blue.

In Youtube, I search for comfort. Millions of videos about how to get over a broken relationship won’t always give you the best advice but they make me realize that people have it worse. Maybe the pain is incomparable but at least I feel less alone. I’m still sad and part of me still wants to turn back time to fix things, but Youtube people say it is just not meant to be. After all, Youtube is bad but it has so many ‘but’s.

At this point, I ask myself, what I am actually missing and grieving for? Is it a person that I used to love? Is it a deep connection? Is it their open arms that I called home? And I mostly wonder, were they even mine to lose to begin with?

Isn’t it funny how the internet has things for everything. Even your dark deep feelings probably have already been talked and discussed about. You are definitely not the only one who got your heart broken.

…

Today I saw 2222 and it confirmed: I am not alone.