This is an angry post. And angry is not a negative feeling. Indeed, no feeling is negative, but our response to it can be. Feelings are supposed to help us navigate through life and have proper actions. Hopefully my way of processing my feelings isn’t going to hurt anyone as I’m learning to.

It’s been over 12 hours on the road from Hungary to Germany. So much time for my mind to go wander, yet I’ve kept turning to the ugly past and absolutely felt resentful for what was done. Although I was feeling hopeful the other night, writing sensible things that one should do after a terrible heartbreak with big revelations and such, once I re-read those lines, I couldn’t feel comforted anymore. I feel like a hypocrite.

I am far, very far from healing. I can’t get over the fact that someone discarded me from their life so easily as if I was a broken product that no longer served them. My fragile sense of security was completely shattered. I was insecure but I was transparent about it. I put on warning signs because I wanted to make sure the person was ready for me. I thought, finally someone accepted me for the imperfect person I was. “I am sticking to you even if you have unhealed problems or wounds. I am here for you, and I will be by your side while you heal yourself and your fears, I will make sure you don’t lose it and don’t destroy it.” Words are just words.

So when they wanted to stop, it wasn’t just an ending of it all, it was a full-on rejection of my authentic self, especially my vulnerable parts. I was never perfect. They knew it. They said sooner or later this would happen. The consequences were natural. Sooner or later, I deserved it. The rejection and on top of that was the loss of a best friend, a loved one. They were the only one that I ever shared my little philosophical discovers with, the only one that actually wants to engage deeply. But I lost them. I crave. I look around. I question the people around me. Will they also leave me? The biggest mistake I made seems to be being myself, even though I was slowly noticing and changing for the better. But Life, “why is Life so difficult?” “Because people don’t appreciate the easy things”, Life answers. Harsh.

My question is, will I ever heal? How do I heal? I hadn’t been finished healing from my past wounds yet. And then I was ripped, again. The wounds are now cut open, they are bleeding so much. Now it is a complexity of open wounds, scars which I can’t ignore anymore. If I don’t try to feel and process them now, they will come out in small doses later and project on to other people. No one deserves to feel this way. Some days are manageable, but most days are just hard. I haven’t cooked anything nice for myself since months. I lost weights. I feel exhausted from forcing myself to smile when I’m outside. I’m no longer the happy chubby girl I used to be. How can someone so cruel and careless? And why did I give myself away for a monster like that?!

I wanted to say I hate myself for letting things happen. But I’m allowed to make mistakes. At the end, I am still new to this scary world. I’m angry at myself but I love myself still. I’m trying to. Please, stay with me.