This entry will open my new series Free-flow Writing, where I will be simply pouring down my thoughts on the keyboard. No filter. No edit. Just my very fresh stream of emotions and thinking – flawed but raw.

The last months witnessed one of the biggest shifts in my life. I am talking about the emotional shift that shines on who I am dealing with inside. I have never explored myself more deeply than I ever did, especially since I never intended to – which I find to be very special, but at the same time overwhelming as I’ve found myself crying uncontrollably every other day.

I have newly stepped into a relationship. At first, I thought this would be like any other relationship I’ve been through, with the mindset that I should have been more ‘experienced’ and therefore won’t let myself fall in too hard. But of course, I fell deep, and I keep falling deep and deeper. I should have known better. There’s no such thing called ‘ being experienced’ in love. Love is unpredictable. Love takes all shapes and sizes. I might have been able to discover the thing called ‘love’ a bit earlier in my relationship with my partner but how that love feels and how it is taking shapes have been out of my hand.

With my partner, I feel fulfilled. We always try to create a perfect environment for the incubation of our growing love. He is passionate. He listens. He is determined for our future. And for my part, I try to take care of him. I try to communicate. I try to admit my mistakes where I am at fault. Overall, our relationship is beautiful.

Indeed, it’s so beautiful that I can’t even imagine myself outside of my romantic life. I can hardly think about any other aspects of my life: my career, my study, my social life,…and even my wellbeing. It is as if I was all satisfied with my state of being. I stopped looking into myself to heal and take care of my inner child. I stopped seeing how wonderful my life has been apart from my love. I stopped looking around feeling blessed. All I see is my time with my partner. And I want all of it. I want all the time in the world with him.

That is why I was shattered when I had to move away from him. Or at least that’s the reason I can think of. I was like a baby being taken away from her mom. I was crying days and nights. Sometimes even when I’m with my partner, I find tears streaming down my cheeks – just from the flashing thought of a time without him (physically). To me, the crying is absolute irrational. I keep asking why. We are not parting for good. It is just for time being. We always see each other again. Maybe there is an irrational fear of mine that something might happen and we won’t be able to be with each other ever again???

“Could it be separation anxiety disorders?”

….

Now I’ve been feeling better. I looked inside and I saw something was happening. I’m not sure yet what has been going on with my inner child/self. But I will keep exploring. These days I feel grateful how my life has been easy for me and I’m thankful for it. I’m dealing with my feelings and thoughts step by step. That is also the reason why I started the Free-flow writing series. It has been to the point that my hand could not keep up with the pace of my thinking stream. I just want to take it all out. I will feel better. I will start exploring the world around me again while nurturing and working for my future with my Habibi.

Nothing is too much. Just feel. Express it. You’re safe.