Since the beginning of this month – May, I was going through hell of an emotional rollercoaster, which I put myself into. I don’t really remember how it started but it seems everything comes back to my unattended inner self that I haven’t found the time to really look into or to heal it.

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These days I feel everything that has been built for the last four months is being shattered piece by piece. I thought I made a good foundation – meaning, if a disaster happens, all it does will be a little scratch on the surface. I was wrong. I deem to have stepped on the wrong foot. I didn’t come in new. I was still the same ‘broken’ soul disguised in this jolly pretentious optimistic facade.

Deep down, I am still that insecure child.

I am weak and I have to admit it.

“How can you ever truly love someone before you love yourself?”

Maybe they’re right. I was never meant to come in any relationship before having fully healed. All I do would be destructive. For the person. And for myself. The way I’ve treated myself has been now projected onto my partner. I’ve infected them with my childish behavior and toxic habit.

It turned out, I was never a decent reliable space for anyone to enter and find comfort.

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“I’m peace, I’m comfort, I’m kind”.

I am far from the person I want to become. I’ve become the ‘parent’ that my childhood always feared. Now when I reflect on it, I do fear the person I’ve become now. (passive) aggressiveness. obsession over perfectionism. overreaction. dramas.

I wish someone could teach me the true definition of being supportive. Growing up, what I learned was money, services and pressures. I remember it was impossible to understand why dad came home unhappy about his work and put it on me and my sister, or the time when mom just straight-out blamed the burned food on my ‘low’ IQ level or how I’d never be anything decent in my life.

Well, pressure and unpredictableness were the main themes of my childhood. That’s probably why I don’t know how to react in times of hardship, besides panicking, verbal insulting, and escaping. No matter how much I read about how to be a kind communicator, the manifestation of those techniques won’t ever be genuine unless I can fix what lies underneath.

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For some years, I used to think everything will be fine if I can communicate and warn people around me about my potential responses. I only open up when someone is willing to. Truth is, I can’t ask for anyone’s tolerance. People are just as broken. It’d be insane that I demand anyone, even my family, to accept my ugly side while myself not doing much about it.

Would you ask a child to be more understanding of their parents’ sudden mood swings that they take down on the child?

To be honest, I wish I could end the entry with a somewhat direction for my future behavior but it’s not that easy. I want to be more understanding and I want to be understood. I want to be at least stable and then hopefully healthy, mentally. I want to communicate kinder, that even in my ugly mental state, I won’t affect the other person.

But these days, it seems like I’m always in my ugly mental state. Is it the situation that brings this side out of me? Is my mentality ready for it? Will I make it through before resetting everything from 0?

I just want to be normal.