Another milestone to celebrate my existence: today is my birthday!
Years have passed and I am now in my late 20s, meaning some more years and I will soon be in my 30s. Remembering when I was a freshman in college, looking up to the seniors and people I know who have graduated, I always admired the way they carried themselves, how confident they looked. It seemed to me that they must have had their life figured out somehow. I was excited about my upcoming years of university, couldn’t wait to see how the years would lead me to be.
I’ve now reached my 27th year, and while I am proud of the person I am now, I still feel terrified for what is coming. Like a baby bird learning how to fly for the first time. The world is too big. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I am. Especially about myself. I’ve just started to become aware of my well-being and learn how to be truthful to myself. Knowledge about the self is as vast as knowledge about the world. You can just dig deeper and deeper and will never reach a bottom.
So what did I learn about myself until this point exactly?
1. I have yet to become a good friend of my own.
I made a blog post years ago about being my own best friend, since only I know best about myself, and I is literally the person that will be physically there for me 24/7. At that time, I promised to take care of and be kind to myself no matter what. But being a good, non-toxic friend is not easy. It turned out, that I don’t know about myself as much as I would like to. Plus, I have wounds. I was hurt and then I go hurt other people, including poor Anh.
My relationship with myself has been complicated – on and off. There are days that I feel nothing but love. But there are also days of guilt-tripping, harsh words, and blood. The communication has not been always open and honest. Even though both Anh and I wanted it all to be transparent, we couldn’t always verbalize what we truly feel.
Therefore, today, I want to say to myself: “Anh, I am sorry. I wasn’t kind to you lately but I am here and I will always be here for you. Please don’t give up on me. Let’s learn how to communicate with each other. Let’s learn how to love again.”
2. I need to accept that I am toxic.
Recognizing the positive side, good qualities is obviously essential. But it is only half of the story. Self-acceptance means that you praise the good AND accept the bad. Facing yourself – raw, unfiltered is the very first step of the healing process.
I am so used to suppressing this side of me, unaware of the small disasters it creates. I lied to myself, to other people that I am open to constructive criticism. But am I actually? How do I feel when someone shows me how inconsiderate, and negative I have been? I was told indirectly that I am a hypocrite. If I can’t be kind to myself, how do I walk around acting kind to other people?
“I don’t always bring joy to the world and it’s ok. I am no goddess. I am a human. I have my dark side. Let’s work on that!”
Shadow work is working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself. This can include trauma or parts of your personality that you subconsciously consider undesirable.
(https://www.betterup.com/blog/shadow-work)
3. I am capable of the extremes.
Past months have shown me how emotions can bring me places, places I’ve never been to in my life. And all it took wasn’t much, because I gambled my life on “it”, one single thing. It was an “All-or-Nothing” bet: you either have everything or lose everything – extreme for extreme. Will I continue to gamble on “it” again? Blank. But am I proud of myself for having experienced something that many people haven’t? Hell yeah!
Besides the pains I now know that I am capable to feel, I am also very well capable of the opposites, whether it is love, care, happiness or even extreme optimism. The range of emotions is what makes me a human. My feelings are raw and I am proud of it.
4. Boundaries save me and save you.
Setting boundaries is teaching other people how to treat you.
Michelle Elman – The Joy of Being Selfish
I always believed that my life can only be surrounded by kind-hearted people who can only make my life better. I still do believe in this reality. But at the same time, I rarely refuse anyone that walks into my life. This could mean a lot of things, one of which is since small, I was taught to put the needs of other people before my own. It wasn’t until recently that I noticed the consequences of it. I want to claim my life back. Badly.
Setting good boundaries doesn’t mean that I stop caring about other people. It means I take full responsibility for my own well-being so others don’t have to. Since I am also a human, I value my happiness as much as I value others’. I am learning to be kind to myself so I can reflect that onto the people around me, especially my loved ones.
….
Hey, I know July 22, 2022, isn’t the birthday that you expected. And I know all you want is good memories that lead you to this day. I am sorry I couldn’t give that to you this year. I am really sorry...
Happy Birthday.
@happohippy 