People can get diarrhea when they have the feeling of love!?

Anh left the chat.

I love that every day the internet feeds me with such useful information that I didn’t know I needed. I would never have known that philophobia exists, which is basically an intense fear of falling in love, which is the even more intense, extremely intense manifestation of fear of rejection. What interesting is, the phobia is actually a disorder that has its physical symptoms, such as shaking, trembling, nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea, or even fear of death when the individual feels the feeling of love. Besides, those people who fear love can also have different reactions while in relationships which, for some reason, gets me to reflect so much on my past relationships, even though I don’t think I’m philophobic.

One of them is how my fear of rejection plays out in subtle ways: first, my “body count”, not too many but also not few – which I am not proud of. I did engage with some people deeper than I was supposed to but it is not the question. The question I ask myself now and some of my friends used to ask me in the past is, “why did you give yourself out so early?”. I can always give an easy answer of how it was the lifestyle I wanted, or how I wanted nothing more than some physical intimacy to keep me sane. But truth is, I wasn’t always aware that it stems from my fear of rejection. In my brain, sex seems to be a “bad move” if I would like someone to like me romantically, so letting them have that with me on the first date means that I already clear the chance of any emotional attachment for both of us, also meaning no chance for rejection to happen.

Another manifestation of such fear is how I am either very needy or “rejecting” when being in a relationship. I can be needy in a way that I’d immediately build my life around my partner, I’d constantly fear my partner’s feelings, especially feelings towards me (since I always direct things at myself for no reason). If things don’t go my way, I’d turn to be “rejecting”, I push my partner away, I threaten to break up since I fear I would be the one to be rejected, hence, again, I have to first clear the possibility of rejection that I might get. Like a child, I think I’m winning but I’m actually just being an idiot. Besides, it gets worse when I actually love the person. The bigger the love is, especially when the person becomes a part of my soul, the bigger the fear is, the more the fear would interfere in with my life. Imagine losing a part of my soul?! I would lose myself, constantly live in fear, and as a result, the more “rejecting” I’d become – reject my love for them and their love for me. “Love is scary when it’s true”. I learn now that I don’t want to push love away but my irrational fear.

Funny how the past days, love songs triggered me badly. They all sing about how people give themselves away when they’re in love, how their girl or guy seems to be the ones to control their emotions and even their life. This idea got me upset because of how blind and unhealthy it is. But now, as I am writing these lines, I think I understand them. They’re not toxic, love is not toxic. Caring and sacrificing for your person is not toxic. You give what you have. If you only have love, pure love, you give beautiful love. It is the insecurities, the low self-esteem, the fears that are toxic. If you have fears, anxieties, and a low self-esteem, and you do things out of fear and anxieties, your person will definitely feel it. So Anh, please remember: you don’t want to push love away, but the fear, the insecurities, the worries. In all situations, just be. Be kind. Be peace. Be love.