Me: *writing about living healthy and healing

Also me: “Am I actually healing and feeling good? If I am actually satisfied with my life, do I need to write it out to boost my ego? Remember, people who always talk about power have power issues.”

Also me: “You’re absolutely not fine.”

Also me: “Maybe not 100%, but it is a journey. Doing something to make you feel better is always good. Write it out, talk about your emotions, being proud of yourself!”

Also me: “But think about it. Are you ok?”

……

Me: *transcribing the interview audio for thesis thinking “Damn people! You don’t want to travel to New Zealand because it’s a cliche destination?! So now it’s all about not looking cliche huh?”

Also me: “Damn girl! How judgemental are you! Let them be! You are not better for not caring about the looks.”

Also me: “No, damn you! Stop saying that about yourself. You’re learning and unlearning things. It’s ok to judge a little bit so you can learn.”

….

Me: *hearing someone said they hated the US because people there are ignorant and shoot guns “The US may be overrated but there are more than that. Just admit that you’re under its influence.”

Also me: “Being judgemental is natural. Let people have their points of view for God’s sake.”

Also me: “You’re being judgemental about people being judgemental. You’re no better!”

Also me: “It’s not about being better. Just be.”

….

Me: *thinking about how I should tell this friend to define their own “coolness” and stop caring about other’s opinions

Also me: “When did it become your problem? Have you, yourself, stopped caring about other’s opinions?”

Also me: “Very true, it’s not my problem at all. I should just let them be.”

Also me: “But I’m allowed to speak my mind.”

Also me: “About the way I want to live. Not how others should be.”

Also me: “So what now?”

…

Excuse me, can you just stop thinking, perhaps?

A split moment:

“Damn I have a smart phone now?! How cool!”

I was picking up my phone from the table, and for some reason, I was my 14 year-old self again, who always wished for once, that she could have her very own smart phone one day. For that very short moment of regression, I felt the utmost joy as if I had achieved everything in life. How silly!

…

In one conversation with myself today, I looked back at what my mom and I myself often said to me: You are a good person, you will surely have a happy ending. What a beautiful way to see my life, isn’t it? Someday I will find a real home for myself, I will have a nice job. Someday I will eventually settle. Someday I will get to do the things that I want. Someday, someday, someday,..

I stopped myself right there.

What if right now, right here is my “happy ending”?

I mean I already have a smart phone of my own, something that my teenage self had always dreamed of. Not to mention, I am studying in Italy. I actually lived in three strange countries. I have traveled to places. I flew business class twice. I do house parties with foreigners. I talk with foreigners in three languages (whaaaaa). I’ve tried so many exotic foods. I have my own money to buy junk food whenever I want. I have money to buy paint. I paint. I do crafting. etc. So many random things that my younger self could only dream of and now I am doing so so many of them.

Even recently, I found out about Dr. Brain Weiss and his books about past life regression and how his patients recall their past life traumas and even their past life connections that make them recognize people in their present life. So it means, our life journey has begun long before we were born. The fact that we’re here and now is the result of many circles of not only life events but also a continuation of lives. It is our soul journey.

Seeing life this way gives me a sense of longing – I want to know how I was in my past life, and also a sense of pride or even greatness – I’ve come so far. Suddenly, nothing truly matters anymore. If it is the soul that is doing its journey, then why do I have to hold onto so many things in my current life, including this identity of Duong Ngoc Anh? (well, there is actually one thing that matters. According to Dr. Weiss and his story of the two “soulmates” of the long centuries who always found each other across time: “only love is real”. But it will be for another post)

Connecting the dots, this is what Eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now are trying to tell us too. We’re not our mind nor our body. We’re souls. Souls are timeless and untouchable. Meaning, from within, we are safe and protected. We’re enough. I am enough.

…

I’m not yet enlightened. But I would like to believe in this theory because I have a theory that we’re living in a simulation of different systems/theories – which, again, will be the topic for another post. But for now, I claim this system, the system where I can fly and never die.

Last Friday I finally came forwards with my therapy group about how I often got angry at myself each time I tried to be “zen” but couldn’t because of the little people in my brain. That the anger, the frustration, the helplessness then turned into an invisible heavy stone pressing on my stomach. All I wanted was to let my brain rest, but thoughts keep popping up. All kinds of thoughts. Thoughts about thoughts. Thinking about thinking. It was endless. Why can’t I control my mind?!

The therapist asked me if I had an ideal perception of “relaxation” that got me fixated on it. It turned out, I did and probably still do until this hour. I’ve got to admit that I still hold so many fixed perceptions of how things should be. After weeks of chewing on the Power of Now, I still can’t just be and let the world unfold in front of me. I am still harsh on myself at times. I am still judgemental.

On the other hand, I must also give myself credit, as told by my therapist. So here it is, I finally feel somewhat safe to get my thoughts out there to the Universe – just me and the non-me now. To start off, my life changed drastically over the past month and I’m slowly making peace within myself and the outer world.

The first notable thing, I am more in tune with my body and my authentic self. There’s not a day that I don’t stretch and feel what’s tangled up. I walk barefoot in public to do earthing every week. I listen to my body. I (try to) take care of it. I read more. I rarely use my phone. And I let myself play. I become more playful than ever, even in the way I talk (which could be a coping mechanism that needs looking into). Plus, there’s this side effect that I newly discovered: I can’t stand inauthentic people and I can recognize them pretty quick. This is surreal since I used to have a good impression from everyone like a puppy. It’s not that I hate anyone now, but more like a repulsed gut feeling, that tells me to not engage. It could be a trigger that also needs examining, but for now, I’m embracing this side of me.

Secondly, I am more in control of my surroundings, especially my social surroundings. I’m no longer scared of parties or gatherings because I’ve organized one every Friday since I got back to Padova. I put my spice into it with silly games and challenges to connect people. I see love in the air and I love it. It is actually nice to enjoy people while being the outside observer at the same time. I’m one of them but at the same time, I am not. People’s opinions won’t phase me as much as they used to. The point is, I have fun. Why would I have to wait around for the fun when I can create the fun myself? Isn’t it simple?!

Thirdly, I’ve learned that I am loveable. Being vulnerable with people, the right people can be a good reminder that I am not alone. After each therapy session, I realize that everyone too has their own struggles that we don’t talk about in public. I might not always be able to find the solution at the end of the session but many times I do go home with ease knowing I’m not alone. And after all the gatherings, only recently did I know that people think fondly of me as the “entertainer”, the one they look for when they want to have a fun gathering. Or, maybe it’s because I do believe I am one so it projects onto other people. Either way, I’m falling in love with myself again. Who says I can’t be in love without a man sitting next to me?!

A new week is coming and I am thrilled. I look forward to my Italian class, my therapy session, the housewarming party at Mai’s that I’m planning (https://pp.events/aj5ReMOZ – a link to always remember of how creative I can get), and my sacred time to read, to move my body, to check in on my emotions. But this week I will take it easy on myself.

Anh, be patient. You still have time 🙂