Last Friday I finally came forwards with my therapy group about how I often got angry at myself each time I tried to be “zen” but couldn’t because of the little people in my brain. That the anger, the frustration, the helplessness then turned into an invisible heavy stone pressing on my stomach. All I wanted was to let my brain rest, but thoughts keep popping up. All kinds of thoughts. Thoughts about thoughts. Thinking about thinking. It was endless. Why can’t I control my mind?!

The therapist asked me if I had an ideal perception of “relaxation” that got me fixated on it. It turned out, I did and probably still do until this hour. I’ve got to admit that I still hold so many fixed perceptions of how things should be. After weeks of chewing on the Power of Now, I still can’t just be and let the world unfold in front of me. I am still harsh on myself at times. I am still judgemental.

On the other hand, I must also give myself credit, as told by my therapist. So here it is, I finally feel somewhat safe to get my thoughts out there to the Universe – just me and the non-me now. To start off, my life changed drastically over the past month and I’m slowly making peace within myself and the outer world.

The first notable thing, I am more in tune with my body and my authentic self. There’s not a day that I don’t stretch and feel what’s tangled up. I walk barefoot in public to do earthing every week. I listen to my body. I (try to) take care of it. I read more. I rarely use my phone. And I let myself play. I become more playful than ever, even in the way I talk (which could be a coping mechanism that needs looking into). Plus, there’s this side effect that I newly discovered: I can’t stand inauthentic people and I can recognize them pretty quick. This is surreal since I used to have a good impression from everyone like a puppy. It’s not that I hate anyone now, but more like a repulsed gut feeling, that tells me to not engage. It could be a trigger that also needs examining, but for now, I’m embracing this side of me.

Secondly, I am more in control of my surroundings, especially my social surroundings. I’m no longer scared of parties or gatherings because I’ve organized one every Friday since I got back to Padova. I put my spice into it with silly games and challenges to connect people. I see love in the air and I love it. It is actually nice to enjoy people while being the outside observer at the same time. I’m one of them but at the same time, I am not. People’s opinions won’t phase me as much as they used to. The point is, I have fun. Why would I have to wait around for the fun when I can create the fun myself? Isn’t it simple?!

Thirdly, I’ve learned that I am loveable. Being vulnerable with people, the right people can be a good reminder that I am not alone. After each therapy session, I realize that everyone too has their own struggles that we don’t talk about in public. I might not always be able to find the solution at the end of the session but many times I do go home with ease knowing I’m not alone. And after all the gatherings, only recently did I know that people think fondly of me as the “entertainer”, the one they look for when they want to have a fun gathering. Or, maybe it’s because I do believe I am one so it projects onto other people. Either way, I’m falling in love with myself again. Who says I can’t be in love without a man sitting next to me?!

A new week is coming and I am thrilled. I look forward to my Italian class, my therapy session, the housewarming party at Mai’s that I’m planning (https://pp.events/aj5ReMOZ – a link to always remember of how creative I can get), and my sacred time to read, to move my body, to check in on my emotions. But this week I will take it easy on myself.

Anh, be patient. You still have time 🙂