you miss someone so much that you don’t want to feel ok again, because that’ll mean that you’re ok without them. that’ll mean that life really does go on. you’re scared that if you feel ok again, you might forget what it felt like to feel them at all.

now all my friend is telling me
put aside our memories
but i don’t like the thought of moving on
cuz every step towars something new
is a step away from you
i kinda like the heartbreak
the falling apart
the way my tears taste
i let the sad songs
remind me of you
you might be long gone
but you’re still here in my room.

Naja, es gibt ein tiefes Gefühl der Einsamkeit.

In letzter Zeit fühle ich mich unlebendig. Ich lache, rede und interagiere mit allen, aber es ist so schwierig, mit den Menschen zu fühlen. Ihre Probleme sind nicht meine Probleme. Und ich kann nichts nachempfinden.

Es gibt Leute, die gesagt haben, dass sie sich um mich kümmern. Aber ich sehe nie, dass sie sich die Zeit nehmen, zuzuhören oder auch nur einen Blick auf das zu werfen, was ich hier schreibe.

Es gibt Leute, die haben nichts gesagt oder so etwas wie „Ich habe nichts mit dir zu tun“. Aber er liest alles so, als würde alles über ihn schreiben.

Alle setzen eine Maske auf. Sie verbergen etwas. Etwas, das beängstigend und dunkel ist. Und so habe ich beschlossen, alles abzubrechen. Ich gehe zurück in meine Ecke, in meinem cancerous Verstand.

Wahrscheinlich hat mein Körper echten Cancer.

Marking a month of non-stop menstruation.

Blood flows.

After all these completed chapters, I wonder if there will ever be a different narrative other than me being left in the dark: lost, found then lost again. All the niceness’s I’ve experienced now seem more like a metal wire that ties me down in this experimental game. A game that I must play to reach the destination of happiness. Life is nice and I’m supposed to feel grateful, happy and hopeful. Yet, I still haven’t figured out where I stand, when I can’t even comprehend the most simple game rule: nice experience = happiness.

Where do I stand?

• PTSD isn’t a joke, carsickness, and then nausea and dizziness for my entire week in Budapest but the moment I got back to Padova I’m ok.
• “Make the unconscious conscious”, how long can you hold them all up inside? https://youtu.be/3JYUktUSNgE
• There’s no absolute answer for anything. There will always be discomfort and clashes of values, which is where growth and new ideas come from: I value simplicity but I also value freedom. I tend to try to eliminate unnecessary things for a simple life, but there is no such thing called a ‘simple life’. Freedom and simplicity sometimes don’t go with each other. Freedom can come with expansion, more complications which might go against the ideals of simplicity. How do I get rid of such clashes? Experience, be flexible, alter and embrace the change that works best for me.
• Why can non-monogamy work for me? Part of my heart is occupied/scarred/missing. The rest I’m open to the ideals of non possessive, unconditional love.
• “7 days a week. 3 days for you to live like a monk, 3 days for everyone and everything, and one day just for me. How does that sound?”🥺
• Interestingly enough, behind the social facade, humans are deeply lonely. Social friends are far from deep friends, with whom one can share their dark secrets, the emotional distress and philosophical thoughts. How many deep friends do I have?
• Mercoledì 14 dicembre, ore 11:15, Sala Africa – Palazzo Wollemborg – Via del Santo, 26. I am graduating SOON.
• I cried. At 8 in the morning. Clenching on my jacket. On the floor. For the very first time in front of him. “Finally a normal, reasonable human reaction from you after what you’ve been through. Come here, cry.”
• I have to admit that I’m stressed AF. For what’s coming after my graduation, for my non labeled connections, for the unsolved trauma, for the silence, for the unknown, for my fragile mental capacity. Bleeding every 2 weeks is no joke.
• I want to delegate love songs to him. I want to give him the pure passionate feelings that he deserves. STRESSED.
• I don’t have any formal shoes for my thesis defense. STRESSED.
• Running out of money. Might start working as a prostitution.
• Braces off. All off after 6 years. I actually look cute 😚
• Stutz’s theory of activating the life force, the ‘perfect snapshot’ (the realm of illusion), radical acceptance, and so on. Very worth watching Netflix documentary!

• “I don’t think I’m meant to understand myself.”
• “I’m just a boy inside my thoughts”.