I struggle still with self-image. I struggle with seeing every single human beautiful. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way but I can’t yet see it. I want to actually appreciate everyone’s beauty rather than just knowing that it’s the right thing to do.

I hate that my brain works black and white. Seeing conventionally beautiful humans reflects back to me, that I’m the opposite of beauty – ugly. Of course I know that is not true: one’s beauty doesn’t exclude others’ beauty. But there is a social construct ‘beauty standard’, which I’m heavily influenced by, I know that I myself can’t see myself fit in that ‘standard’ nor some others who don’t fit that ‘standard’. After all these years trying to deconstruct the old believes, here I am, still talking about how insecure I am with the way I look.

People say it’s ok to not see everything beautiful. But how can’t I move beyond that knowing I could never fully appreciate my body, the way I look, the way I carry myself. And since I can’t appreciate myself, a human, how can I go around telling other humans that I appreciate their beauty.

A hypocrite, that’s what I am.
A lonesome hypocrite who is traumatized to voice her insecurities to anyone because if they know, they will leave. “You need to go to therapy”, they say. They’re sick of me talking about my insecurities and worries. So yes, I will not talk about my dark sides anymore, I won’t vent, I will be a good optimistic person. Hence, coming back to the full circle, I am a hypocrite.