I lost my virginity at the age of 22. It was with my then-boyfriend and that was also his first time. Thanks to the internet, I had learned before, that sex is not a taboo, and indeed, an important topic to discuss, explore and think about. Hence, my first time was gentle, open, and loving.
Then throughout my following years, I explored more what it was like to be sexually active. I had multiple partners, and I tried different things. As a part of my studies, I also joined various conversations around sex, women’s experiences, gender-based violence, sexual assault, etc. I tried to equip myself with knowledge, tools to protect myself from potential harm.
But little did I know, learning about oneself is essential as one learns about sex. Besides knowing how your body functions uniquely, or what turns you on and whatnot, not everyone is aware of the power dynamics that might exist between the two (or more) partners, how boundaries work between themselves. A lot of the time, I found my people-pleasing tendency giving in to sex. I honestly didn’t know how to say no or to signal the feeling of discomfort, especially upon seeing how much my partner wanted me. I am sure that if I ever had spoken up at the time, they would have stopped. But I was unable to.
Fast forward to last week,
I was raped.
It was so clear that it was rape. But (unsurprisingly) I didn’t know until everything was done and only after I told another person about the incident. It was in the morning after the previous night we spent together. He wanted me and I said no. But he kept on trying. After the third time of saying no and pulling myself away, I gave up. He didn’t stop until he saw that I was bleeding. I thought it was an honest misunderstanding. I blamed myself for not having said no firmly.
It took me a while to come to my senses that I was raped. The incident wasn’t violent or extreme but I was, unmistakenly, forced to have sex. Although consensual non-consent was mentioned between us, the guy and I never seriously talked about it. Not to say the guy wasn’t guilty, but after all of this, I have had my reflection on how my poor-defined boundaries and low self-esteem problems play a big role in my approach towards sex and my experience with my current partners or even the previous ones. I see now how many times I “naturally” said yes when deep down I wanted to say no because I couldn’t put myself above others.
I wonder how much of this low-self esteem of mine and my people-pleaser self are attributed to the patriarchal society’s teachings towards women and girls. That we are supposed to put others above ourselves. That we are supposed to be attentive of people around us, to the point of hypervigilance. There is so much to unpack on this aspect of my up-bringing that has molded me to the insecure person I am today.
I leave my experience here for my future self to never let this happen again, for anyone who stumbles on this could ever relate. PLEASE, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY NO!
@happohippy 