Month: April 2025

Sunday constipation post: a heavy dump #4

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(Just random thoughts that need releasing, in no particular order)

Marking the 10th day of living in the hospital and staying up all night 🎉 Lots of thinking, lots of reflections, zero sleep.

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Grief. I grieve my memories of my mom, how I used to see her. I’m battling to not let those be replaced by the current painful reality. 

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Exploring and understanding Assisted Death with Dignity. We think a lot about how we want to live and maybe we should too think about how we want our near-death life to be, or how our death would be (if we are in control).

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I’m starting to realize that I wouldn’t be a fit for a job at big organizations or corporates. Trying to prove myself to other people, dress etiquette, pyramid scheme, over-speaking, over-performing  will drain my soul.

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Calling each other stupid has been practiced ritually by my family, generation after generation. Perhaps I should break this generational “bonding”. 

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AI has been a great help in guiding me to understanding what is happening with my mom. It creates a safe space so I can always rant without judgement. 

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So, my life has turned itself in a unconventional way. Is it sound for me to bend it back to the conventional way, the way that others people do? Will it be right to take the common approach to solve the uncommon problems?! 

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I have been thinking about how my life was taken from me. But what I want for my life is what I really want or it is under some influence? Probably these eventful days thrown at my way are just waves of life. Perhaps they are meant to be. For me to grow bigger and tougher. To stay away from coddled life and step out to see the TRUTH.

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Auntie’s love is BIG!

the life I’ve lived

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Tragic.

Besides myself, no one really knows the reality that I have to face everyday. No one knows the actual, full, unfiltered life of mine. 

At the age of 29, I still have no stable income despite my academic background. I’m not stupid but I’m also just an immigrant that can’t speak the language. Hence, I put aside my master’s degree to join a course for caretakers while working as a waitress (I hate being a waitress). Between the course and the waiting job, all I have left for myself is stress, depression and insomnia. The truth is: I am always tired.

On top of that, I am torn between staying in Italy or going back to Vietnam.  Everyday I dream about spending time with my mom who has been fighting with cancer for the last two years. Another day passes by is another day that I’m grateful that she is still here with us. At the same time, the guilt that I keep building every second for not being there with her is taking the life out of my soul. At the same time, I am in my critical stage of building my life in this strange land. In this period, if I drop everything, I lose everything.

And these days, it’s been hard. Through the phone screen, my mom is grayer and grayer. “It has spread everywhere, to the brain and to the bones.” I tell myself, it is time to go home. Approaching 30, with all these life challenges throwing at my way, while I was just starting to build my life, I decided to go home. I don’t know what will happen next but I also don’t want to know what it will be. 

Soon at the age of 30, I would still have not achieved a single thing that I set for myself during my early 20s. No career, no husband. I wouldn’t be able to hide my “incompetence” from the Vietnamese society anymore. No more European escapism. But then how I would even live if the world was without my mom. And I don’t want to imagine that kind of world. 

I’ve decided to come home.