It’s been over a month of me settling back in Hanoi. Living at my parents’ house and having a decent job have really allowed me to reflect through a different perspective. Compared to the life in Italy, here in Hanoi, it is a whole other dimension of survival mode (my survival mode was also on in Italy) as I am now perceived, treated and expected in a different way. I find myself putting on a thick mask in the front of what the society demands from me. And since it is all still fresh, I would like to jot down all things that I would do if there wasn’t all these expectations that I am too afraid to disobey, before the mask becomes a part of me, before I forget what I really am.

1. I would shave my head: I dream of the day when hair is out of my daily thoughts, money saved for shampoo and haircuts, and the feeling it DOESN’T give during hot sweaty days.

2. I would craft and paint all day and turn it into my job until NO MORE OFFICE WORK. The office culture, the hierarchy, the emails, the stacks of tasks, the meetings, the performance tracking. They don’t pass the vibe check for me, personally.

3. I would wear slippers EVERYWHERE. I do not like shoes as a concept. Or even better, BAREFOOT. I would do earthing everyday.

4. I would speak louder. I was raised to not raise my voice but I do want to speak my mind and freely express who I am.

5. I would tell my foreign colleagues to stop calling themselves expats. I did not call myself one when I was in Italy, neither should they. Unfortunately, we live in a world where language matters as injustice exists and no one can be chill.

6. I would spend 10 years to learn how to grow my own food and build my own house. So one day I could have my own regenerative agri-food system in the country. This point goes with the crafting job.

7. I would sing a lot. Not many people are aware that I love singing, I do want to learn how to sing professionally.

8. I would also like to offer a healing hub for people. I like to gather people and see them having fun. I like organizing fun activities to BOND people. I also like to create a space for people to release their emotions and feel seen.

9. I would learn to dance hiphop. Or I would just dance more. I would go to the club, not to party and drink alcohol but to dance to loud music. I would dance like no one watching but also feel OK to be watched.

10. I would continue learning German. I would get my C1 certificate for no reason.

And to be continued.

So how about you? If you don’t have to give a fvck about what others think, what would you do?