you miss someone so much that you don’t want to feel ok again, because that’ll mean that you’re ok without them. that’ll mean that life really does go on. you’re scared that if you feel ok again, you might forget what it felt like to feel them at all.

now all my friend is telling me
put aside our memories
but i don’t like the thought of moving on
cuz every step towars something new
is a step away from you
i kinda like the heartbreak
the falling apart
the way my tears taste
i let the sad songs
remind me of you
you might be long gone
but you’re still here in my room.

Naja, es gibt ein tiefes Gefühl der Einsamkeit.

In letzter Zeit fühle ich mich unlebendig. Ich lache, rede und interagiere mit allen, aber es ist so schwierig, mit den Menschen zu fühlen. Ihre Probleme sind nicht meine Probleme. Und ich kann nichts nachempfinden.

Es gibt Leute, die gesagt haben, dass sie sich um mich kümmern. Aber ich sehe nie, dass sie sich die Zeit nehmen, zuzuhören oder auch nur einen Blick auf das zu werfen, was ich hier schreibe.

Es gibt Leute, die haben nichts gesagt oder so etwas wie „Ich habe nichts mit dir zu tun“. Aber er liest alles so, als würde alles über ihn schreiben.

Alle setzen eine Maske auf. Sie verbergen etwas. Etwas, das beängstigend und dunkel ist. Und so habe ich beschlossen, alles abzubrechen. Ich gehe zurück in meine Ecke, in meinem cancerous Verstand.

Wahrscheinlich hat mein Körper echten Cancer.

Marking a month of non-stop menstruation.

Blood flows.

After all these completed chapters, I wonder if there will ever be a different narrative other than me being left in the dark: lost, found then lost again. All the niceness’s I’ve experienced now seem more like a metal wire that ties me down in this experimental game. A game that I must play to reach the destination of happiness. Life is nice and I’m supposed to feel grateful, happy and hopeful. Yet, I still haven’t figured out where I stand, when I can’t even comprehend the most simple game rule: nice experience = happiness.

Where do I stand?

• PTSD isn’t a joke, carsickness, and then nausea and dizziness for my entire week in Budapest but the moment I got back to Padova I’m ok.
• “Make the unconscious conscious”, how long can you hold them all up inside? https://youtu.be/3JYUktUSNgE
• There’s no absolute answer for anything. There will always be discomfort and clashes of values, which is where growth and new ideas come from: I value simplicity but I also value freedom. I tend to try to eliminate unnecessary things for a simple life, but there is no such thing called a ‘simple life’. Freedom and simplicity sometimes don’t go with each other. Freedom can come with expansion, more complications which might go against the ideals of simplicity. How do I get rid of such clashes? Experience, be flexible, alter and embrace the change that works best for me.
• Why can non-monogamy work for me? Part of my heart is occupied/scarred/missing. The rest I’m open to the ideals of non possessive, unconditional love.
• “7 days a week. 3 days for you to live like a monk, 3 days for everyone and everything, and one day just for me. How does that sound?”🥺
• Interestingly enough, behind the social facade, humans are deeply lonely. Social friends are far from deep friends, with whom one can share their dark secrets, the emotional distress and philosophical thoughts. How many deep friends do I have?
• Mercoledì 14 dicembre, ore 11:15, Sala Africa – Palazzo Wollemborg – Via del Santo, 26. I am graduating SOON.
• I cried. At 8 in the morning. Clenching on my jacket. On the floor. For the very first time in front of him. “Finally a normal, reasonable human reaction from you after what you’ve been through. Come here, cry.”
• I have to admit that I’m stressed AF. For what’s coming after my graduation, for my non labeled connections, for the unsolved trauma, for the silence, for the unknown, for my fragile mental capacity. Bleeding every 2 weeks is no joke.
• I want to delegate love songs to him. I want to give him the pure passionate feelings that he deserves. STRESSED.
• I don’t have any formal shoes for my thesis defense. STRESSED.
• Running out of money. Might start working as a prostitution.
• Braces off. All off after 6 years. I actually look cute 😚
• Stutz’s theory of activating the life force, the ‘perfect snapshot’ (the realm of illusion), radical acceptance, and so on. Very worth watching Netflix documentary!

• “I don’t think I’m meant to understand myself.”
• “I’m just a boy inside my thoughts”.

I don’t try to be right.

I don’t try to win any argument.

I don’t try to look cool.

I don’t try to be different.

I don’t try to be smarter than anyone.

I don’t try to be powerful.

I don’t try to become successful.

I don’t try to define my identity.

I don’t try to follow any moral standards.

I don’t try to save the world.

At the end of the day, I just want to be happy, regardless of whatever that means.

…

At the end of the day, everyone just wants to be happy, for whatever happiness means to them,

even if it means to save the world

to be dignifiedly noble

to define their own identity

to become successful

to be powerful

to be religious

to be the smartest

to be different

to look cool

to be right

…

Everything is natural. Everything is how it’s supposed to be.

• Expectations kill enjoyment.
• Having two periods every month. What is my body trying to tell me?
• What I desire desires me.
• Thesis approved. Big big relief!
• I don’t have the right to tell people how they should feel about me.
• Why it baffles me so much that people do things because they want to appear different from others?!
• I don’t have the mental capacity to endure people’s complaints about their minor problems. But I should because otherwise I won’t have any friends anymore.
• The Thai lady asked me how I had so many friends. I do?
• Imagine my dad finally bought his own car in his 50s. He must be so happy. Many people don’t realize how hard working my parents were.
• Have you tried the “Zoo” approach? Walking through life as if you were walking through a zoo. You let everything be the way it is, you appreciate everything the way it is.
• Clothes. The freedom to not care about what to wear vs. the freedom to wear whatever you want to wear.
• If you like someone, you like everything they do. If you don’t, those things become annoying.
• I’ve found an outfit that makes me feel myself. Green and Brown. I look like a tree!
• For weeks, I have had more difficulties breathing while biking. I thought my health or lungs were decreasing because of cigarettes. But how silly I was! It is because it is windy in winter. Of course, it is harder to bike in this weather.
• I made another human cry.
• I won’t be home for another Tet holiday and my parents are ok with that?
• I really need to stop buying stuff. True evil!

“Show me your world.”

Within me, with my very own feels, thoughts and experience, I am living and creating my own single world. A secret world where each entity, each incident are meaningful in my unique way of interpretation. A secret world that only I, myself can perceive.

Between you and me, with our very own interactions, emotions and experience shared together, we are also creating a world between us. A secret world that only you and I are living in. A secret world that only you and I know what happened. Between us.

Each human, each relationship creates their own secret world. A secret world that rises above the collective conscious world we are all living in. Or whatever surface perceived by the externalities.

People talk about multiple dimensions of the world that our limited human senses can’t fully perceive. The different worlds we’re creating, they’re not just extra dimensions. They’re not just an extra piece of the big puzzle. They’re the complete picture.

I am my world. You’re your world and…my world.

Guilt is a heavy word.

Also a heavy concept.

I didn’t realize I have been living in guilt for the majority of my life. It’s the guilt of not doing the things my parents tell me to do, the guilt of not doing what a 27-year-old person should be doing, the guilt of not contributing much to society, the guilt of letting others’ voices determine my worth, the guilt of listening to my evil inner voices, the guilt of projecting those voices onto others, the guilt of having hurt so many people in the past, the guilt of not feeling grateful, the guilt of not being honest with myself, the guilt of not treating myself better, the guilt of guilt-tripping myself into a black hole.

Depression, poor self-esteem, self-harm and strained relationships are just a few of the possible results of living in guilt for long periods of time. On the other hand, inappropriate or excessive guilt is listed as a symptom of depression.

There are so many reasons to feel guilty.

As if my existence is a sin.

As if I wasn’t supposed to exist.

My inner voice is saying: “They’re watching you go down in flames. No one cares about you. They are probably just feeling guilty themselves so they stay around.”

My inner voice is saying: “Why can’t you be a warm beam of light so you’re more likable? Why can’t you like yourself?”

My inner voice is saying: “Keep yourself away from other people until you find compassion within yourself.”

But one day, I will finally hear a warm voice within that comes naturally on its own, telling me that I’m safe, protected and loved.