“It’s ok to not be ok”

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The first month of 2017 has been like magic to me. And no, I didn’t win the lottery or gain any materialistic things. But I did find a thing. A thing that I’m not sure whether it is tangible. All I can assure is that has shed light on me after days of darkness. The self-love community on the Internet. More specifically, the body positivity on Instagram.

Some people might be questioning how some randoms posts or pictures of strangers on the Internet could dramatically change someone’s life. I agree. Those things do not change me. Instead, they shift me towards positivity by telling me how I should stay myself, stay true, stay beautiful.

From that on, I’VE BEEN THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO CHANGE. It’s my decision to change the way I view the world, myself and the relations between us. It took me a while to figure out everything. It took a lot of self-reflection as I was constantly questioning my own existence. Then finally, it came to the point that I realized it was my mindset that had been torturing myself, making me suffer toxic feelings the whole time. And I knew for sure that it was time for me to do something about it.

I’ve embarked on this self-love journey, the journey of optimism. I’ve started learning how to love myself, to try my best to exclude negativity and anything related to that. At the same time, I also realized that the journey of fully embracing myself is definitely not easy. Lots of lessons out there are waiting to be learned.

Now, I’m dealing with one of those lessons.

The lesson began when I went to school again after a long holiday season. It’s been a week of new semester, internship, part-time job. I truly want to believe in myself that I could handle everything. However, there is a part of me that is getting weaker and weaker. At first, I could not comprehend that since I was so sure that I was stronger than ever.

Fortunately, my light-bulb moment has been underway. The point I’ve been missing is that I am a human and I’m going against nature. More specifically, while I’m trying too hard to be upbeat all the time, I’m accidentally suppressing all of my other feelings. The stress, the rage, the grief, the guilt, the disappointment, etc. I thought I was putting on my fences to not let them in. The fact, unfortunately, is that they are inside me. They are parts of me. And what I’m doing is trapping them inside. I forgot I’m human and it’s normal to have those feelings. No normal human beings can be smiley 24/7.

Therefore, as the problem has been defined, I’m taking action. I’m accepting that side of me. I’m letting them out by writing, sharing the world my story. To be told that everything will be ok. To be told that It’s ok to not be ok.

Emotional Sunday Morning

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Sunday, 08 January 2016

11:30 A.M

There are days where I become so unstable emotionally, susceptible to every damn thing, even the minutiae of life. A fictional Christmas movie on HBO, that ravishing music video on MTV, the perfectly high-pitched voice of Lady Gaga… They were all so incredibly beautiful as I burst out in tears in just a second.

And what surprised me was the more I cried, the more I felt relieved. I kept on letting all out. Away with the tears were the strain, the rage and other toxic feelings that I’d carried within my body. In a moment I was just being honest to myself without caring about the exterior world. I also constantly blamed myself for having let those minor, toxic things get on my nerves and not staying true to who I am while contemplating the beauty of life.

I had never embraced my ugly leaky face. But today it made me feel genuine and beautiful.

Thank you so much, my precious tears.

I’m a Dog/Cat Person

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Mic, my dog came to my life 5 years ago when my mom brought her home on a Sunday morning 2012. The day has changed my life completely since it has made my life so worth living. Before that, dogs had always scared the shit out of me, even the tiniest ones. And my dad, who is an extremely clean person, hates the idea of having to clean dog poop/pee, was never a dog lover. He said having to put up with us sisters was already enough for him, no need for any other animals’ existence in his house to mess things up (I know, my dad is that brutally straightforward). Thus, I never bore the thought of adopting a pet.

But that day happened and Mic showed up to our surprises. It was then followed by lots of smiles and happy tears because she was so small and cute. I was a bit reserved at first but as soon as I realized “she is MY DOG now and I’m actually having a pet”, my fear completely disappeared. And as the time going by, the more I got to know about Mic, the more I felt stunned about the fun as well as the perks of having a pet around.

How didn’t I adopt a dog earlier?!?!

Mic is such an interesting being. She’s smart and she knows how to get people’s attention. Sometimes she’s really hyperactive jumping and throwing her body at others but that’s just how she shows her love. That energy she having is priceless and it’s contagious. I always find myself powered up and excited when spending time with her.

I constantly perceived myself as a dog person.

2 years later, I adopted Khoai-my kitty despite my parents’ opposition. I made up a story of how my friend gave me this cat as a birthday present and it would be so rude not taking it. So my parents finally accepted her presence in our house. And I had never been surrounded with so much love like that.

Wow a dog and a cat?! This is LIFEEEEEEEEE

Different from Mic, Khoai is quieter and sometimes cold. But I think she’s just being herself no matter how people perceive her to be. Khoai doesn’t spread that kind of energy like Mic, but instead, she listens and calms me down, reminding me of the fact that I’m home. She shows her love perfectly when it’s needed and that love is warm. She’s soft and soothing like music to my soul.

Mic and Khoai, they’re both important components of my life. They together reflect my personalities. They are family. They are love. I cannot imagine my life without them.

So I guess, you can say I’m either a dog or a cat person. It doesn’t matter. What truly matters is their being here with me.

…

No further ado, pictures!

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To the happy face!

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Mic is always a good poser in front of camera

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Who can resist that face!

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THAT SHAPE THOUGHHHHH

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Believe it, she’s a mom.

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When mama gives your little sister food and you got none

[Day 205] Why does Vietnam hold national day of mourning for Fidel Castro?

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Here is my super quick answer:

Considering what I got from Vietnamese media, during the Vietnam war, Cuba, which was under Fidel Castro’s regime, gave Vietnam troops the assistance which was believed to be “valuable”, “timely” and “effective”. The country even celebrated the day of Vietnam’s victory as they had hailed: “For Vietnam, we are ready to devote our blood.” Not to mention both are socialist countries and they have remained close-knit relations for more than 50 years.

So I guess it’s rather reasonable for Vietnam to hold a national day of mourning for Fidel Castro in return.

Chuyện chỗ học tiếng Đức

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Tối thứ sáu, thay vì lên lớp học như mọi khi thì mọi người tập trung dưới Hội trường để văn nghệ liên hoan bánh kẹo xúc xích Việt-Đức mừng lễ Giáng sinh. Và tất nhiên, có tiết mục Weihnachtsmann (a.k.a Santa Claus) phát quà. Weihnachtsmann là thầy người Đức nói tiếng Việt siêu sõi và siêu đẹp trai. Chưa kể vụ xỏ 1 bên tai 2 khuyên cực ngầu.

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Vâng, giữa “vô vàn” những món quà khác thì số phận tặng mình một CON LỢN ĐẤT MÀU HỒNG!

Và món quà mình nhận được là con lợn đất này đây. Vâng, giữa vô vàn nhưng món quà khác, nào sổ nào bút nào cốc nào vở thì mình được một CON LỢN ĐẤT MÀU HỒNG! Ngay khi mở quà thì mình lập tức phản ứng theo cái kiểu “ghét nhất màu hồng”, “sao lại là lợn”. Mọi người ngồi cùng bàn cũng cười phá lên: “Ôi, hợp cậu đấy!” Rồi chẳng ai bảo ai, lần lượt từng người chuyền tay nhau con lợn, thả vào cái khe bé tí đằng mông lợn đất mấy đồng xu, mấy tờ tiền lẻ 1K, 2K. Bắt đầu từ anh A (anh già nhất hội và cũng tốt bụng nhất hội nhưng em không nhớ tên) đưa mình đồng xu của 1 nước châu Á mà mình cũng không nhớ tên. Mình chỉ biết gật gật cảm ơn.

“Con lạy ông đi qua lạy bà đi lại…”

“Nhớ buổi cuối mang lợn đi đập để cả lớp liên hoan nhé!”

“Ơ?”

Thật sự, cho đến tận lúc về nhà mình vẫn không hiểu động cơ của mọi người khi tự nguyện đút tiền vào lợn của một đứa ất ơ mà họ mới nói chuyện từ 1-2 tiếng trước. Có lẽ họ đang say vì cốc rượu nồng hương quế? Có thể vì họ đang vui? Vì “phong trào”? Hay có phong tục tập quán gì đấy mà mình chưa biết?

Dù sao thì tối nay là một buổi tối khá vui vẻ (mặc dù về nhà soi gương thấy có thức ăn mắc ở niềng răng tự bao giờ). Mọi người tốt bụng, dễ mến, và hơn hết là họ nhìn-thấy-mình.

#christmasgift #noel #warmday #VDZ

Throw Back Sunday

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While browsing facebook today, I pumped into a viral article about how Harvard students study as if it were the last day of their lives.

At first, I felt ashamed of myself for not being hard-working enough, since I was scrolling down the mobile screen instead of reading books.

But as soon as I realized the big fact that I was at Harvard, my brain amazingly drew me back to the most beautiful memories of my last summer in the U.S.

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Yes! I WAS AT THE LEGENDARY HARVARD UNIVERSITY!

Even until now, it still seems extremely surreal to me.

Way back before the trip, in my world, America, NYC, Boston or Harvard had only existed inside the TV frame, books and in my dream. Since I was small, I have always known that my family is nothing more than a middle-class family in a poor country, which means we are only able to live and save some within our “Vietnam Dong-zone“. Therefore, at that time, traveling abroad, especially the U.S was really a lux, not to mention we all know how difficult it is for a foreigner to get inside the U.S. borders.

Fortunately, I found out about a volunteer project that would cover everything including the living expenses, accommodation for the volunteers. I signed up for it. And after a couple of months, I was in America, all by myself. That’s how I got to the dream land.

I spent one month of summer in the country, met lots of cool people, learned various things and bought a lovely poncho. Above all, I set foot in the Harvard University, took a tour. My mind was completely blown away.

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Now that I’ve come back, back to the repeated tiresome days, I have never stopped reminiscing about the last summer. It has really triggered my love for traveling, my hunger for another genuine adventure. That’s why I’ve constantly started my plan of traveling around the world. Simply, I’m now bearing this thought to myself: “I’ve been to the hardest, furthest country so why I can’t go to nearer ones?!”

Anyways, my next destination is Thailand. I’m working my ass off for it, saving every penny I could to bring my plan into practice, which is to travel to at least one country every single year.

Simple as that, a poor student who still lives under the same roof with her parents, thinks she can travel around the world. How about you? Have you embarked on your own journey?

Fidel Castro passed away leaving the world in mourning or relief?

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(This was written on Nov 26, 2016)

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Today was just a typical Saturday. I got up late, helped around my parents’ house and then went shopping. Everything was going on just fine. Then as soon as I finally had some time to get back to my bed, I went on Facebook to see what was going on in the world.

As I was stalking my crush’s timeline, I saw one of his status which was posted 2 minutes previously, mentioning Fidel Castro. His words for Fidel seemed to be not really serious.

He said something about Fidel Castro and the mannequin challenge in the sky. (I was about to quote his status but he deleted it)

At that time, I didn’t know much about Fidel Castro though I live in a communist country, that had been receiving lots of help from Cuba in the past. (I know, I am that kind of ignorant person. But hey, at least I’m trying to not be one)

Now Fidel Castro is all over the media. The more I get to know about him, the more I understand why the news is talking so much about him, or why my crush had to delete his status.

“That is because Fidel Castro had a great influence over the communist countries as well as some other parts of the world. His will was not only revolving around the communist party but also around the true values of humanity. Castro dedicated his whole life, fought every inch of his fiber for the people. A truly great man, he deserves our utmost respect.”

I wrote this before I found out about the criticism of Castro being a dictator.

Again! I was NOT critical AT ALL.

Let’s break this down a little. From my country’s perspective, Fidel Castro is beyond goodness. He helped Cuba have its days with unbelievable policies on health care, taxes and such. Cubans view him as a hero of the country. And he was also a hero of the communist community. But to Trump, to Americans and a part of Cuba’s population, he was nothing more than a dictator when he built up the repressive system of killing thousands of people including Cubans.

So the fact that his death has been all over the news is probably due to him being a controversial historic figure. And why my crush’s facebook status disappeared? I guess he deleted it because he touched on a sensitive issue. But I quite doubt this since he is American and most of Americans think Castro is a dictator. I mean, I’m not sure.

…

At the end of the day, Fidel Castro is just a human being. He has his lightbulb moments and also his not-so-wise ones. Perhaps, he is not that bad as many people think he is. Sometimes it’s just hard to please everyone. He was willing to sacrifice some in order to reach the big goal. I truly think that is what he did.

Since he passed away at the age of 90, many people are very confused about how they should react. I am too. This is completely normal (right?). I’m just being critical.

So what’s my lesson from this event?
Read more, many more about historic figures!

P/S: November, specifically since the Black Friday, has been full of dramas and horrible news. What the hell is going on???

Another plan on the go

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It’s not that I’m studying German and about to study Masters in Germany (though this is quite a surprise to some people who haven’t acknowledged it). The plan I’m about to reveal is completely a different thing, which has nothing to do with my study, my career, but simply my enjoyment of life.

Let’s go back to my trip to America which I truly enjoyed to every single moment. That was my first time travel aboard and first time travel alone. The excitement, the nervousness and a little of fear pushed me back a bit, yet made the whole trip so incredible. I felt as if  I was a child with a curious mind, discovering the beauty of life. It was not until that trip did I realize how much I loved traveling.

Therefore, I can’t wait long for another trip to come. I have to do something about it. I have to take action immediately. That’s why I’m writing this to inform ones who care that: I AM GOING TO THAILAND NEXT SUMMER!

Actually, this is not an informing note. It’s a declaration of my determination, as a start for the whole plan.

From now on, every single month, I will extract 500,ooo Dongs from my very limited salary which I earn while working as a private tutor and put it in the fund called “SAVINGS FOR THAI DREAM” (it sounds lame, I know). I have about 9 months until next summer and I need at least 5 million Dongs in total in order to make the trip happen. So besides the 500,ooo Dong part, I will also seek for other jobs to get paid as much as possible. The more, the merrier!

So, please pray for me and my fund. If you can donate some, it would be even more fantastic! Yet, I want this Thai dream to be my self-earned trip but at the end it doesn’t matter, me being at Thailand is already a wonderful thing.

“Sợ quá! Không biết sau này làm gì?”

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Dạo gần đây cứ mỗi lần chúng tôi ngồi xuống bàn sự đời với nhau thì chủ đề Sau này ra trường làm gì? lại được đem ra, dù cuộc đàm đạo đó có bắt đầu từ đâu.

Từ trước tới nay, câu chuyện về sự nghiệp, tương lai không phải là chưa bao giờ được nhắc đến. Chỉ là đến thời điểm này, tần suất xuất hiện của nó trong các cuộc hội thoại tăng lên đáng kể, và cách nó được nhắc đến, hay bàn luận cũng thay đổi.

“Lo quá! Đến bây giờ vẫn chưa biết sau này làm gì?!?”

Vẫn là những câu ca thán về sự không chắc chắn. Cũng dễ hiểu. Đã bao giờ có ai chắc chắn 100% về mình ở thì tương lai?

Nhưng cái khác ở đây là chúng tôi xoáy sâu hơn vào sự mơ hồ ấy. Chúng tôi nhìn vào thực tế, vào những thứ mình đang có và tự hỏi: với những thứ này trong tay, rồi mình sẽ đi về đâu?

Ngày trước, những lời nói về tương lai ấy có vẻ được buông ra 1 cách dễ dàng hơn, có gì đó hơi vô nghĩ 1 tí, nhất là lúc năm nhất, khi chúng tôi còn chưa chắc chắn về hiện tại, hay về chính bản thân mình để có thể đưa ra bất cứ dự đoán gì về số phận. Khi ấy, than thở vậy thôi nhưng thật ra cũng không chắc là mình có cần lo lắng cho tương lai không. Hầu hết, chúng tôi dành thời gian để tự nghi vấn bản thân, tự hỏi liệu mình có những khả năng gì, và mình thực sự muốn làm gì.

Bây giờ, khi những câu hỏi về bản thân ấy đang bắt đầu có câu trả lời, chúng tôi có thêm dữ kiện để bắt đầu lên kế hoạch, dự đoán về tương lai. Tiếp đó là sự mâu thuẫn giữa những thứ mình muốn làm và thứ mình có thể làm.

“Tớ muốn làm công tác xã hội nhưng với bằng cử nhân tiếng Anh thì tớ chỉ có thể…”

Rồi có những người có quá nhiều lựa chọn, nhưng lại không biết mình muốn làm gì.

“Làm ở đâu cũng được nhưng tớ vẫn chưa biết mình muốn theo nghề gì?!”

Người có ít lựa chọn thấy ghen tị với người có nhiều hơn, và người có nhiều lựa chọn lại chỉ mong mình có ít đi cho dễ lựa.

Dần dần, càng gần đến ngày ra trường thì sự mơ hồ ấy nó không đơn giản là nỗi lo nữa. Nó biến thành nỗi sợ hãi. Để bây giờ, cứ mỗi lần nhắc đến chuyện gì đó ở thì tương lai:

“Sợ quá! Không biết sau này làm gì?”