I struggle still with self-image. I struggle with seeing every single human beautiful. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way but I can’t yet see it. I want to actually appreciate everyone’s beauty rather than just knowing that it’s the right thing to do.

I hate that my brain works black and white. Seeing conventionally beautiful humans reflects back to me, that I’m the opposite of beauty – ugly. Of course I know that is not true: one’s beauty doesn’t exclude others’ beauty. But there is a social construct ‘beauty standard’, which I’m heavily influenced by, I know that I myself can’t see myself fit in that ‘standard’ nor some others who don’t fit that ‘standard’. After all these years trying to deconstruct the old believes, here I am, still talking about how insecure I am with the way I look.

People say it’s ok to not see everything beautiful. But how can’t I move beyond that knowing I could never fully appreciate my body, the way I look, the way I carry myself. And since I can’t appreciate myself, a human, how can I go around telling other humans that I appreciate their beauty.

A hypocrite, that’s what I am.
A lonesome hypocrite who is traumatized to voice her insecurities to anyone because if they know, they will leave. “You need to go to therapy”, they say. They’re sick of me talking about my insecurities and worries. So yes, I will not talk about my dark sides anymore, I won’t vent, I will be a good optimistic person. Hence, coming back to the full circle, I am a hypocrite.

taken by Niccolò Vergari

Transitions are always hard. Big transitions.

I completed my master’s degree to move on, with all the uncertainties and worries of how my future would look like. I told myself it is normal to feel this way. Just breath. Step by step. I will find a way.

A project in Umbria that pays. A research project offered by my professor.

“Anh! Look! Things are manifested naturally just like that!”, the Universe whispered into my ears. I was hopeful. I felt loved and blessed.

Mom got breast cancer at stage 4.

My world turned upside down. I’m not ready to lose her. And I won’t lose her. But it doesn’t seem to be the only bad news: my family is in crisis, all dysfunctional becomes visible, no one doesn’t seem to be able to compromise.

I’m in the middle. I think about my life and all the future plans that I will sacrifice. Then I realize how selfish I am for thinking for myself while everyone is also in crisis. Then I also realize the guilt probably comes from my programmed mind to prioritize other’s happiness over my own. I realize how much I need someone to understand my story and tell me they are there no matter what. I don’t think I can ask that from my parents. Nor the partner I’m having. Even myself. How tragic.

I want a safe space. A loving space. Where I can be ugly, selfish and childish. I try to be the one to give myself that space. But damn it is hard.

I hate that I have not yet been kind to myself. I seek for people’s kindness. A certain type of kindness. A projection I have about how kindness should look like. A delusion.

Anyway I am coming home.

you miss someone so much that you don’t want to feel ok again, because that’ll mean that you’re ok without them. that’ll mean that life really does go on. you’re scared that if you feel ok again, you might forget what it felt like to feel them at all.

now all my friend is telling me
put aside our memories
but i don’t like the thought of moving on
cuz every step towars something new
is a step away from you
i kinda like the heartbreak
the falling apart
the way my tears taste
i let the sad songs
remind me of you
you might be long gone
but you’re still here in my room.

Naja, es gibt ein tiefes Gefühl der Einsamkeit.

In letzter Zeit fühle ich mich unlebendig. Ich lache, rede und interagiere mit allen, aber es ist so schwierig, mit den Menschen zu fühlen. Ihre Probleme sind nicht meine Probleme. Und ich kann nichts nachempfinden.

Es gibt Leute, die gesagt haben, dass sie sich um mich kümmern. Aber ich sehe nie, dass sie sich die Zeit nehmen, zuzuhören oder auch nur einen Blick auf das zu werfen, was ich hier schreibe.

Es gibt Leute, die haben nichts gesagt oder so etwas wie „Ich habe nichts mit dir zu tun“. Aber er liest alles so, als würde alles über ihn schreiben.

Alle setzen eine Maske auf. Sie verbergen etwas. Etwas, das beängstigend und dunkel ist. Und so habe ich beschlossen, alles abzubrechen. Ich gehe zurück in meine Ecke, in meinem cancerous Verstand.

Wahrscheinlich hat mein Körper echten Cancer.

Marking a month of non-stop menstruation.

Blood flows.

After all these completed chapters, I wonder if there will ever be a different narrative other than me being left in the dark: lost, found then lost again. All the niceness’s I’ve experienced now seem more like a metal wire that ties me down in this experimental game. A game that I must play to reach the destination of happiness. Life is nice and I’m supposed to feel grateful, happy and hopeful. Yet, I still haven’t figured out where I stand, when I can’t even comprehend the most simple game rule: nice experience = happiness.

Where do I stand?

• PTSD isn’t a joke, carsickness, and then nausea and dizziness for my entire week in Budapest but the moment I got back to Padova I’m ok.
• “Make the unconscious conscious”, how long can you hold them all up inside? https://youtu.be/3JYUktUSNgE
• There’s no absolute answer for anything. There will always be discomfort and clashes of values, which is where growth and new ideas come from: I value simplicity but I also value freedom. I tend to try to eliminate unnecessary things for a simple life, but there is no such thing called a ‘simple life’. Freedom and simplicity sometimes don’t go with each other. Freedom can come with expansion, more complications which might go against the ideals of simplicity. How do I get rid of such clashes? Experience, be flexible, alter and embrace the change that works best for me.
• Why can non-monogamy work for me? Part of my heart is occupied/scarred/missing. The rest I’m open to the ideals of non possessive, unconditional love.
• “7 days a week. 3 days for you to live like a monk, 3 days for everyone and everything, and one day just for me. How does that sound?”🥺
• Interestingly enough, behind the social facade, humans are deeply lonely. Social friends are far from deep friends, with whom one can share their dark secrets, the emotional distress and philosophical thoughts. How many deep friends do I have?
• Mercoledì 14 dicembre, ore 11:15, Sala Africa – Palazzo Wollemborg – Via del Santo, 26. I am graduating SOON.
• I cried. At 8 in the morning. Clenching on my jacket. On the floor. For the very first time in front of him. “Finally a normal, reasonable human reaction from you after what you’ve been through. Come here, cry.”
• I have to admit that I’m stressed AF. For what’s coming after my graduation, for my non labeled connections, for the unsolved trauma, for the silence, for the unknown, for my fragile mental capacity. Bleeding every 2 weeks is no joke.
• I want to delegate love songs to him. I want to give him the pure passionate feelings that he deserves. STRESSED.
• I don’t have any formal shoes for my thesis defense. STRESSED.
• Running out of money. Might start working as a prostitution.
• Braces off. All off after 6 years. I actually look cute 😚
• Stutz’s theory of activating the life force, the ‘perfect snapshot’ (the realm of illusion), radical acceptance, and so on. Very worth watching Netflix documentary!

• “I don’t think I’m meant to understand myself.”
• “I’m just a boy inside my thoughts”.

I don’t try to be right.

I don’t try to win any argument.

I don’t try to look cool.

I don’t try to be different.

I don’t try to be smarter than anyone.

I don’t try to be powerful.

I don’t try to become successful.

I don’t try to define my identity.

I don’t try to follow any moral standards.

I don’t try to save the world.

At the end of the day, I just want to be happy, regardless of whatever that means.

…

At the end of the day, everyone just wants to be happy, for whatever happiness means to them,

even if it means to save the world

to be dignifiedly noble

to define their own identity

to become successful

to be powerful

to be religious

to be the smartest

to be different

to look cool

to be right

…

Everything is natural. Everything is how it’s supposed to be.

• Expectations kill enjoyment.
• Having two periods every month. What is my body trying to tell me?
• What I desire desires me.
• Thesis approved. Big big relief!
• I don’t have the right to tell people how they should feel about me.
• Why it baffles me so much that people do things because they want to appear different from others?!
• I don’t have the mental capacity to endure people’s complaints about their minor problems. But I should because otherwise I won’t have any friends anymore.
• The Thai lady asked me how I had so many friends. I do?
• Imagine my dad finally bought his own car in his 50s. He must be so happy. Many people don’t realize how hard working my parents were.
• Have you tried the “Zoo” approach? Walking through life as if you were walking through a zoo. You let everything be the way it is, you appreciate everything the way it is.
• Clothes. The freedom to not care about what to wear vs. the freedom to wear whatever you want to wear.
• If you like someone, you like everything they do. If you don’t, those things become annoying.
• I’ve found an outfit that makes me feel myself. Green and Brown. I look like a tree!
• For weeks, I have had more difficulties breathing while biking. I thought my health or lungs were decreasing because of cigarettes. But how silly I was! It is because it is windy in winter. Of course, it is harder to bike in this weather.
• I made another human cry.
• I won’t be home for another Tet holiday and my parents are ok with that?
• I really need to stop buying stuff. True evil!