Weaving memories

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My life has been full of trips, small trips and big trips. There have been moments where I feel completely fixed and done with traveling, but, at the same time, ‘what is Anh even, without all these travels?!’

I remember all my school trips always ended up with a fleeting feeling of disappointment. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting for, but I knew I had wanted something more to happen during those trips. Now, having passed those teenage years, I’ve gone to realize how passive I was, I expected something but all I did was waiting for that ‘something’ to happen. How silly!

This week I went to Perugia as the city was full of surprises. The whole city has been developed on mountains and so entering the city brings us to layers of houses, cultures and history. I came to discover the knowledge of Etruscan’s civilization, the ancient underground city. One evening, Niccolò and I went to watch a David Lynch’s movie at a youth cultural cinema and enjoyed Perugua’s underground young scene. Truly, Perugia is a dynamic city, however, all of these surprises wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t been actively seeking for new experiences.

People who know me also know how much I have been wanting to settle. But settling doesn’t mean that I want a static life. What I mean is a strong foundation for growth and new adventures, a forever loving home that I build to shelter my heart and mind, in order to feel safe to be creative, and to create.

Know that you’re loved

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Today’s full moon we dedicate to our inner love. We close our eyes, take a deep breath in then release. In our mind, we call the image of the people that we love, how they smile, how they embrace us in their arms, or simply with their warm aura.

We then continue to call in the people that we know, will never leave our side, the ones that love us. All they wish for us is a good life, no matter how that good life looks like for them, the intention is there: they want us to be happy.

We feel warm. We feel the love intertwined. We feel our love and their love. We love them unconditionally and we know that we are loved unconditionally.

If you’re reading this, I love you.

Solutions

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I realize I do think a lot about ending my life. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

I’m still able to feel happy, excited and many other positive feelings. I feel a lot, but for some reason, feelings don’t fill me up like the way they used to.

Is it the hopeful feeling that I’m lacking?

To look deeper inside of me, I do see visions of how I would like my life to be. There are a lot of challenges ahead that I’m sure if I put my mind into, I will surely overcome them all. Yet the goals don’t seem so important and inspiring anymore. “Meh, I don’t mind if I won’t reach them to be honest”, I tell myself.

I feel like if I end it all here and now it wouldn’t be bad either. I’m old, tired and I have had enough. I see the points of being alive, but I also feel fine ceasing to seek further. I’m not depressed, I’m satisfied, enough to call it a life.

A happohippy habit

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Daily writing prompt
Describe one habit that brings you joy.
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Every night before bed, I take my time to do my skinscare/bodily care routine. I take my time to wash my face, apply rose water, lotion, serum and gently massage my skin with sea buckhorn oil. I also make sure my feet get some attention with an expensive foot cream since they’ve been cracking in this dry climate of Italy. Then during winter days, I also use body lotion before bed to get some extra moist.

Despite so much money spent on products and so many steps to do, it doesn’t really matter what I use on my body. It is the fact that at the end of the day, I show up for myself, taking care and pamper myself. This little habit reminds me that I deserve love and care, that I will be the first one to give it to myself. It’s a habit that I will never rush doing, but do it with calmness, enjoy the gentle feels of the substance on my face and feel it absorbed into the skin while completely revelling in the herbal scent all around.

self-image

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I struggle still with self-image. I struggle with seeing every single human beautiful. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way but I can’t yet see it. I want to actually appreciate everyone’s beauty rather than just knowing that it’s the right thing to do.

I hate that my brain works black and white. Seeing conventionally beautiful humans reflects back to me, that I’m the opposite of beauty – ugly. Of course I know that is not true: one’s beauty doesn’t exclude others’ beauty. But there is a social construct ‘beauty standard’, which I’m heavily influenced by, I know that I myself can’t see myself fit in that ‘standard’ nor some others who don’t fit that ‘standard’. After all these years trying to deconstruct the old believes, here I am, still talking about how insecure I am with the way I look.

People say it’s ok to not see everything beautiful. But how can’t I move beyond that knowing I could never fully appreciate my body, the way I look, the way I carry myself. And since I can’t appreciate myself, a human, how can I go around telling other humans that I appreciate their beauty.

A hypocrite, that’s what I am.
A lonesome hypocrite who is traumatized to voice her insecurities to anyone because if they know, they will leave. “You need to go to therapy”, they say. They’re sick of me talking about my insecurities and worries. So yes, I will not talk about my dark sides anymore, I won’t vent, I will be a good optimistic person. Hence, coming back to the full circle, I am a hypocrite.

Tragedy, validation seeking and…am I selfish?

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Transitions are always hard. Big transitions.

I completed my master’s degree to move on, with all the uncertainties and worries of how my future would look like. I told myself it is normal to feel this way. Just breath. Step by step. I will find a way.

A project in Umbria that pays. A research project offered by my professor.

“Anh! Look! Things are manifested naturally just like that!”, the Universe whispered into my ears. I was hopeful. I felt loved and blessed.

Mom got breast cancer at stage 4.

My world turned upside down. I’m not ready to lose her. And I won’t lose her. But it doesn’t seem to be the only bad news: my family is in crisis, all dysfunctional becomes visible, no one doesn’t seem to be able to compromise.

I’m in the middle. I think about my life and all the future plans that I will sacrifice. Then I realize how selfish I am for thinking for myself while everyone is also in crisis. Then I also realize the guilt probably comes from my programmed mind to prioritize other’s happiness over my own. I realize how much I need someone to understand my story and tell me they are there no matter what. I don’t think I can ask that from my parents. Nor the partner I’m having. Even myself. How tragic.

I want a safe space. A loving space. Where I can be ugly, selfish and childish. I try to be the one to give myself that space. But damn it is hard.

I hate that I have not yet been kind to myself. I seek for people’s kindness. A certain type of kindness. A projection I have about how kindness should look like. A delusion.

Anyway I am coming home.

don’t want to feel ok again

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you miss someone so much that you don’t want to feel ok again, because that’ll mean that you’re ok without them. that’ll mean that life really does go on. you’re scared that if you feel ok again, you might forget what it felt like to feel them at all.

now all my friend is telling me
put aside our memories
but i don’t like the thought of moving on
cuz every step towars something new
is a step away from you
i kinda like the heartbreak
the falling apart
the way my tears taste
i let the sad songs
remind me of you
you might be long gone
but you’re still here in my room.