Tag: anh22796

“Be the change you want to see”

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People always say: “Be the change you want to see”, which, to the way I interpret, is that if you want people treat you differently, you should first start to treat them differently. Because, to some extends, the way people treat you reflects your attitude to them.

I listened. I changed. I tried to be the change.

…

So what exactly do I want to see?

I want people to notice to me.

I want people to listen to me.

I want people to comfort me.

I want people to appreciate me.

I want people to stop taking me for granted and start to include me in their lives.

…

But am I asking for too much? What did I try to do to deserve all of that? Was my attempt enough?

No.

The more I tried to be available for everyone, the more I was taken for granted.

The more I tried to help, the more useless I deemed to be.

The more I tried to show people I how appreciated them, the more dramatic and cheesy I looked.

Then how much is enough?

I have no clue.

No fucking clue.

…

As the lights are off and darkness fills the atmosphere, I feel so empty, lonely and helpless. I feel being left out. I want to talk. To anybody. Just a short decent conversation would be good. Just that. But with who? No one stays up this late. And if they do, they are probably doing something much more entertaining than listening to me rant.

…

I am probably just acting dramatically.

I should get rid of my problems by my own.

I am seeking for attention.

I am being selfish.

Poverty, war, sexism, racism. Those are the things I should be concerned of.

I should stop starting the sentences with “I”, stop being self-centered and think for others.

People have their own lives in which I have no role.

Deal with it.

How do couples manage their time?

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I don’t know. If you know the answer, please tell me.

Believe or not, I’m in my early twenties and I have never been in a relationship. I have no idea what it’s like to actually be in one. But recently, I’ve been witnessing my one close friend handling with hers, which has triggered this question in me.

She is a college student. Since also being one myself, I know exactly how strenuous and exhausting a day of a student’s life could be with tons of assignments, projects, not to mention the inevitable part-time jobs and extra-curriculum activities to polish the CV. Everything will easily run out of control and drive you mad if you’re not able to manage a little while for yourself during the day to reflect and relax. I sometimes struggle a lot to just finish all the tasks without any time to take care of myself. But somehow, my friend is still doing very well. Above all, she’s able to do that WHILE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

How does she do it???

How do people do it???

I’m not talking about toxic, abusive relationships but healthy, happy ones. As far as I know, being in a relationship with someone else means that you’d have to take out a specific amount of your own time every day for that special one to take them out, send a few texts or at least to think about them. In other words, you would need to truly make efforts to tailor your schedule to your significant others’ in order to make sure that they feel cared and loved. I don’t know how much time lovers spend for each other daily, or how much is enough. But I’m sure it is there somewhere included in their schedules which might be already tight with their jobs, studying, hobbies or even daily routines.

This truly makes me stunned. Love couples – masters of time management, you guys got my respect!

Still, can someone explain how? I’m ready to take some notes.

…

Or being in a relationship is probably not difficult as I think it is. I’m just terrible with time management and being busy is the excuse why I am still single till this day.

But am I sad because of that?

Not at all.

I don’t rush for it either. I can imagine how my life could turn into a hot mess if I get caught up in a relationship. So thank God for letting me be free and single!

Moreover, what’s the point of whining, being miserable all the time just because of “loneliness”? Are you actually lonely?

I don’t know what your answer is but I’m only single, not lonely. I’m surrounded by my family and friends. I’m taking my time to look after myself, to fully embrace myself, to learn and grow. Maybe I’m spending too much time for myself. Maybe this is the reason why I’m bad at time management. Maybe this is the reason why I’m single. If so, I’m totally cool with it. I don’t need any guy to make me feel happy and loved.

At the end of the day, being in a relationship is not a bad thing at all. Being single isn’t either. The key is always self-love. Once you’re fully in love with yourself, happiness will forever be there whether you’re single or taken.

Coping with bad grades

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I’m here. Again, at the exact same position I was last year when I was grumbling about school, grades. As always, a semester has passed by resulting in all the traumas as the finals’ grades have been revealed and they are not to my expectation.

I feel lost, sad, disappointed, hopeless, upset, jealous,… The list of my feelings can go on and on with all the negative adjectives you could think of. I’m confused. I’m confused by myself and my life.

Let’s rewind back to the last semester in which I was full of energy and motivation to begin with. I set my goals and was so determined to achieve them. The roadmap I drew out was so clear. I confidently invested major on my studying. I worked extremely hard. And the finals came along. But eventually, all of my endeavors went zero.

“What did I do wrong?”

“Why nothing good can happen to me?”

I constantly doubt about my worthiness, whether I deserve anything good in life.

…

Hey, wait a minute.

Do the grades at school determine your grade of life?

More specifically, how do you measure happiness?

Look around. You have all the good things you need. You have your family who loves you unconditionally. You have your best friends who are always there for you. You have your lovely goofy pets. You have access to knowledge, to entertainment. You have house and food. You’re privileged already.

Humans are greedy. They never have enough of anything. They always want more. They never get satisfied about themselves. They only look at what they don’t own, which is massive, and feel bad without noticing the precious things they have. That makes them prone to negativity whenever facing failure.

Dear myself, failure is the tool to success. If it’s what you have at this moment, use it. It will lead you back to the right direction. Don’t let yourself be defeated by just a tiny failure. Your biggest goal is still waiting for you to achieve. So get yourself together, stand up straight and move forward.

…

And the talks between I and myself go on and on…

“It’s ok to not be ok”

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The first month of 2017 has been like magic to me. And no, I didn’t win the lottery or gain any materialistic things. But I did find a thing. A thing that I’m not sure whether it is tangible. All I can assure is that has shed light on me after days of darkness. The self-love community on the Internet. More specifically, the body positivity on Instagram.

Some people might be questioning how some randoms posts or pictures of strangers on the Internet could dramatically change someone’s life. I agree. Those things do not change me. Instead, they shift me towards positivity by telling me how I should stay myself, stay true, stay beautiful.

From that on, I’VE BEEN THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO CHANGE. It’s my decision to change the way I view the world, myself and the relations between us. It took me a while to figure out everything. It took a lot of self-reflection as I was constantly questioning my own existence. Then finally, it came to the point that I realized it was my mindset that had been torturing myself, making me suffer toxic feelings the whole time. And I knew for sure that it was time for me to do something about it.

I’ve embarked on this self-love journey, the journey of optimism. I’ve started learning how to love myself, to try my best to exclude negativity and anything related to that. At the same time, I also realized that the journey of fully embracing myself is definitely not easy. Lots of lessons out there are waiting to be learned.

Now, I’m dealing with one of those lessons.

The lesson began when I went to school again after a long holiday season. It’s been a week of new semester, internship, part-time job. I truly want to believe in myself that I could handle everything. However, there is a part of me that is getting weaker and weaker. At first, I could not comprehend that since I was so sure that I was stronger than ever.

Fortunately, my light-bulb moment has been underway. The point I’ve been missing is that I am a human and I’m going against nature. More specifically, while I’m trying too hard to be upbeat all the time, I’m accidentally suppressing all of my other feelings. The stress, the rage, the grief, the guilt, the disappointment, etc. I thought I was putting on my fences to not let them in. The fact, unfortunately, is that they are inside me. They are parts of me. And what I’m doing is trapping them inside. I forgot I’m human and it’s normal to have those feelings. No normal human beings can be smiley 24/7.

Therefore, as the problem has been defined, I’m taking action. I’m accepting that side of me. I’m letting them out by writing, sharing the world my story. To be told that everything will be ok. To be told that It’s ok to not be ok.

Emotional Sunday Morning

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Sunday, 08 January 2016

11:30 A.M

There are days where I become so unstable emotionally, susceptible to every damn thing, even the minutiae of life. A fictional Christmas movie on HBO, that ravishing music video on MTV, the perfectly high-pitched voice of Lady Gaga… They were all so incredibly beautiful as I burst out in tears in just a second.

And what surprised me was the more I cried, the more I felt relieved. I kept on letting all out. Away with the tears were the strain, the rage and other toxic feelings that I’d carried within my body. In a moment I was just being honest to myself without caring about the exterior world. I also constantly blamed myself for having let those minor, toxic things get on my nerves and not staying true to who I am while contemplating the beauty of life.

I had never embraced my ugly leaky face. But today it made me feel genuine and beautiful.

Thank you so much, my precious tears.

I’m a Dog/Cat Person

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Mic, my dog came to my life 5 years ago when my mom brought her home on a Sunday morning 2012. The day has changed my life completely since it has made my life so worth living. Before that, dogs had always scared the shit out of me, even the tiniest ones. And my dad, who is an extremely clean person, hates the idea of having to clean dog poop/pee, was never a dog lover. He said having to put up with us sisters was already enough for him, no need for any other animals’ existence in his house to mess things up (I know, my dad is that brutally straightforward). Thus, I never bore the thought of adopting a pet.

But that day happened and Mic showed up to our surprises. It was then followed by lots of smiles and happy tears because she was so small and cute. I was a bit reserved at first but as soon as I realized “she is MY DOG now and I’m actually having a pet”, my fear completely disappeared. And as the time going by, the more I got to know about Mic, the more I felt stunned about the fun as well as the perks of having a pet around.

How didn’t I adopt a dog earlier?!?!

Mic is such an interesting being. She’s smart and she knows how to get people’s attention. Sometimes she’s really hyperactive jumping and throwing her body at others but that’s just how she shows her love. That energy she having is priceless and it’s contagious. I always find myself powered up and excited when spending time with her.

I constantly perceived myself as a dog person.

2 years later, I adopted Khoai-my kitty despite my parents’ opposition. I made up a story of how my friend gave me this cat as a birthday present and it would be so rude not taking it. So my parents finally accepted her presence in our house. And I had never been surrounded with so much love like that.

Wow a dog and a cat?! This is LIFEEEEEEEEE

Different from Mic, Khoai is quieter and sometimes cold. But I think she’s just being herself no matter how people perceive her to be. Khoai doesn’t spread that kind of energy like Mic, but instead, she listens and calms me down, reminding me of the fact that I’m home. She shows her love perfectly when it’s needed and that love is warm. She’s soft and soothing like music to my soul.

Mic and Khoai, they’re both important components of my life. They together reflect my personalities. They are family. They are love. I cannot imagine my life without them.

So I guess, you can say I’m either a dog or a cat person. It doesn’t matter. What truly matters is their being here with me.

…

No further ado, pictures!

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To the happy face!

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Mic is always a good poser in front of camera

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Who can resist that face!

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THAT SHAPE THOUGHHHHH

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Believe it, she’s a mom.

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When mama gives your little sister food and you got none

Throw Back Sunday

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While browsing facebook today, I pumped into a viral article about how Harvard students study as if it were the last day of their lives.

At first, I felt ashamed of myself for not being hard-working enough, since I was scrolling down the mobile screen instead of reading books.

But as soon as I realized the big fact that I was at Harvard, my brain amazingly drew me back to the most beautiful memories of my last summer in the U.S.

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Yes! I WAS AT THE LEGENDARY HARVARD UNIVERSITY!

Even until now, it still seems extremely surreal to me.

Way back before the trip, in my world, America, NYC, Boston or Harvard had only existed inside the TV frame, books and in my dream. Since I was small, I have always known that my family is nothing more than a middle-class family in a poor country, which means we are only able to live and save some within our “Vietnam Dong-zone“. Therefore, at that time, traveling abroad, especially the U.S was really a lux, not to mention we all know how difficult it is for a foreigner to get inside the U.S. borders.

Fortunately, I found out about a volunteer project that would cover everything including the living expenses, accommodation for the volunteers. I signed up for it. And after a couple of months, I was in America, all by myself. That’s how I got to the dream land.

I spent one month of summer in the country, met lots of cool people, learned various things and bought a lovely poncho. Above all, I set foot in the Harvard University, took a tour. My mind was completely blown away.

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Now that I’ve come back, back to the repeated tiresome days, I have never stopped reminiscing about the last summer. It has really triggered my love for traveling, my hunger for another genuine adventure. That’s why I’ve constantly started my plan of traveling around the world. Simply, I’m now bearing this thought to myself: “I’ve been to the hardest, furthest country so why I can’t go to nearer ones?!”

Anyways, my next destination is Thailand. I’m working my ass off for it, saving every penny I could to bring my plan into practice, which is to travel to at least one country every single year.

Simple as that, a poor student who still lives under the same roof with her parents, thinks she can travel around the world. How about you? Have you embarked on your own journey?

Fidel Castro passed away leaving the world in mourning or relief?

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(This was written on Nov 26, 2016)

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Today was just a typical Saturday. I got up late, helped around my parents’ house and then went shopping. Everything was going on just fine. Then as soon as I finally had some time to get back to my bed, I went on Facebook to see what was going on in the world.

As I was stalking my crush’s timeline, I saw one of his status which was posted 2 minutes previously, mentioning Fidel Castro. His words for Fidel seemed to be not really serious.

He said something about Fidel Castro and the mannequin challenge in the sky. (I was about to quote his status but he deleted it)

At that time, I didn’t know much about Fidel Castro though I live in a communist country, that had been receiving lots of help from Cuba in the past. (I know, I am that kind of ignorant person. But hey, at least I’m trying to not be one)

Now Fidel Castro is all over the media. The more I get to know about him, the more I understand why the news is talking so much about him, or why my crush had to delete his status.

“That is because Fidel Castro had a great influence over the communist countries as well as some other parts of the world. His will was not only revolving around the communist party but also around the true values of humanity. Castro dedicated his whole life, fought every inch of his fiber for the people. A truly great man, he deserves our utmost respect.”

I wrote this before I found out about the criticism of Castro being a dictator.

Again! I was NOT critical AT ALL.

Let’s break this down a little. From my country’s perspective, Fidel Castro is beyond goodness. He helped Cuba have its days with unbelievable policies on health care, taxes and such. Cubans view him as a hero of the country. And he was also a hero of the communist community. But to Trump, to Americans and a part of Cuba’s population, he was nothing more than a dictator when he built up the repressive system of killing thousands of people including Cubans.

So the fact that his death has been all over the news is probably due to him being a controversial historic figure. And why my crush’s facebook status disappeared? I guess he deleted it because he touched on a sensitive issue. But I quite doubt this since he is American and most of Americans think Castro is a dictator. I mean, I’m not sure.

…

At the end of the day, Fidel Castro is just a human being. He has his lightbulb moments and also his not-so-wise ones. Perhaps, he is not that bad as many people think he is. Sometimes it’s just hard to please everyone. He was willing to sacrifice some in order to reach the big goal. I truly think that is what he did.

Since he passed away at the age of 90, many people are very confused about how they should react. I am too. This is completely normal (right?). I’m just being critical.

So what’s my lesson from this event?
Read more, many more about historic figures!

P/S: November, specifically since the Black Friday, has been full of dramas and horrible news. What the hell is going on???

Another plan on the go

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It’s not that I’m studying German and about to study Masters in Germany (though this is quite a surprise to some people who haven’t acknowledged it). The plan I’m about to reveal is completely a different thing, which has nothing to do with my study, my career, but simply my enjoyment of life.

Let’s go back to my trip to America which I truly enjoyed to every single moment. That was my first time travel aboard and first time travel alone. The excitement, the nervousness and a little of fear pushed me back a bit, yet made the whole trip so incredible. I felt as if  I was a child with a curious mind, discovering the beauty of life. It was not until that trip did I realize how much I loved traveling.

Therefore, I can’t wait long for another trip to come. I have to do something about it. I have to take action immediately. That’s why I’m writing this to inform ones who care that: I AM GOING TO THAILAND NEXT SUMMER!

Actually, this is not an informing note. It’s a declaration of my determination, as a start for the whole plan.

From now on, every single month, I will extract 500,ooo Dongs from my very limited salary which I earn while working as a private tutor and put it in the fund called “SAVINGS FOR THAI DREAM” (it sounds lame, I know). I have about 9 months until next summer and I need at least 5 million Dongs in total in order to make the trip happen. So besides the 500,ooo Dong part, I will also seek for other jobs to get paid as much as possible. The more, the merrier!

So, please pray for me and my fund. If you can donate some, it would be even more fantastic! Yet, I want this Thai dream to be my self-earned trip but at the end it doesn’t matter, me being at Thailand is already a wonderful thing.

How I get depressed these days or any other day

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Yeah

Obviously, I’m gonna grumble about studying, grades and school stuff!

I mean, what else can I talk about when I’m still “sitting on the school’s chair” (ngồi trên ghế nhà trường), and being haunted by the idea that grade is the only measurement of how competent (incompetent) I am. So yes! I am ridiculously obsessed with achievements. I hate to admit this, honestly. Still, this is not what I should feel shameful about since what so-called “achievement obsession” is a common “disease” of most of the Vietnamese students in recent time. But again, this is also not what to feel proud of.

Anyways, get back to the story, this semester has been a disaster. I have been hit up with 2 Cs and there will be surely more. It was already painful to get a C itself. But then I started to compare myself to other fellows in the result list, the pain went doubled.

“I’m so stupid. I’m incompetent. I’m useless. I’m helpless. I can never be like my friends…”

Each time a C comes, I feel like a door has just slammed on my face. After that come disappointment, self-hatred, hopelessness, and depression. Things just get worse since the more Cs I get, the more doors keep slamming on my face until the whole world shut down and there are no more doors. I have no idea what I’ll turn out to be by that time.

Some people are prone to blame the exterior factors when the results don’t come out well. But I cannot do that. When it comes to failure, I look into myself first for the answer, simply because it makes perfect sense to me. The process always goes like this: I dig deep into my head, trying to remember what went wrong from the beginning, and when the memories return, they come along with negative thoughts. I’ll constantly blame myself for not hard-working enough, not capable enough.

Nevertheless, I luckily bear the thought of having a growth mindset, the term that says I should set my mind positive through failures. Thanks to this, I’m able to pick myself up and move on. I find it really struggling to remind myself of this while carrying too much of self-hate problem. However, it does work. My growth mindset and my self-hatred could get along together. This may seem paradoxical but in fact, not. The mindset says: “Every failure is a chance to learn and growth.” On the other hand, my dark side shouts: “You didn’t work hard enough! That’s why you fail!” So these two somehow push me forward and put me in the position in which I torture myself at the same time.

I guess I should feel thankful for that dark side of mine as it didn’t shout the word “helpless”. This word could set my mind into “fixed”, which would only exacerbate my self-hatred and my academic transcript. If I place my capability into words like “fixed”, “limited”, I’ll be totally a deadwood. Though I do feel helpless most of the time but when it comes to studying, I try my best to exclude that thought.

In short, at the moment, I’m quite down but I’ll find a way…

P/S: Really surprised about how this note came out to be. I thought at the end I would write something awful or put my situation in a stalemate. But no, I made a way for it!