Tag: family

cHoicEs

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i am aware that my life is extremely privileged, that up until this point, i always have had this able body, a roof above my head, food on my table, love from people around me, the literacy, the education and the experience that make me not so clueless about the world. my life has brought me so many cHoICes to choose from. “what do i have for dinner today?”; “what show do i want to watch?”; “which shirt do i wear this morning?”. at the end, isn’t it all about the cHoiCes that tell us apart?

the irony is (not surprisingly), the privilege to have these many cHoiCes has resulted in me hating having cHoiCes. what a privilege to say “i hate cHoIcEs”. because those cH0iCeS I made had me leave my home country, had me do all these adventures, had me decide to start my life all over abroad. and while i was doing it, it made me realize how far i was from home, from what actually matters. now i am in the middle of the two lives: the life founded since i was born in Vietnam with my loved ones, and the one that i just founded abroad with my chosen family on the other side of the globe.

i am speaking about this journey as if it was a burden to have such a journey. it wasn’t. the burden is the NOW, when i, once again, have to make a choice. wherever i choose to settle, i would lose a significant part of my life. and since my mom passed, each choice, each person weighs heavier in my heart. i’ve learnt that i can’t live peacefully without my people, not being able to be there for them aches my heart. i want to be there to take care of everyone that i love, which is probably unachievable and nothing more than a wishful thinking. but i saw my mom do it. should i try to do it?

imagine you go away from your country to start a new life, while having endless challenges throwing at your way but you don’t give up, you find a way and you are almost there. BOOM! one big painful life event. you pack your bags to go back to your country. now you leave everything you’ve built to again start all over in your country.

no one knows what life has ahead for us. we take what we are given. maybe there are no cHoiCEs. maybe this is all part of the illusion of choice conspired by the aliens. we know nothing about what is happening around us.

the life I’ve lived

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Tragic.

Besides myself, no one really knows the reality that I have to face everyday. No one knows the actual, full, unfiltered life of mine. 

At the age of 29, I still have no stable income despite my academic background. I’m not stupid but I’m also just an immigrant that can’t speak the language. Hence, I put aside my master’s degree to join a course for caretakers while working as a waitress (I hate being a waitress). Between the course and the waiting job, all I have left for myself is stress, depression and insomnia. The truth is: I am always tired.

On top of that, I am torn between staying in Italy or going back to Vietnam.  Everyday I dream about spending time with my mom who has been fighting with cancer for the last two years. Another day passes by is another day that I’m grateful that she is still here with us. At the same time, the guilt that I keep building every second for not being there with her is taking the life out of my soul. At the same time, I am in my critical stage of building my life in this strange land. In this period, if I drop everything, I lose everything.

And these days, it’s been hard. Through the phone screen, my mom is grayer and grayer. “It has spread everywhere, to the brain and to the bones.” I tell myself, it is time to go home. Approaching 30, with all these life challenges throwing at my way, while I was just starting to build my life, I decided to go home. I don’t know what will happen next but I also don’t want to know what it will be. 

Soon at the age of 30, I would still have not achieved a single thing that I set for myself during my early 20s. No career, no husband. I wouldn’t be able to hide my “incompetence” from the Vietnamese society anymore. No more European escapism. But then how I would even live if the world was without my mom. And I don’t want to imagine that kind of world. 

I’ve decided to come home.

the people i love back home

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I love my mom who is soft and kind, but also the strongest woman I’ve ever known, who is fighting cancer but still tries to take care of everyone around her.

I love my dad with his sharp intelligence and firmness, his secure love whenever we are in the world and the man with his grandchild is the sweetest grandpa that anyone could ever ask for.

I love my little sister and her craziness. She talks so much, sometimes too much but also she gives so much. Who could have imagined she is now a mom.

I love my little Bơ ❤ she is three months old and isn’t she the cutest bánh bao. She is talkative, just like her mom. I never experienced this kind of love before. I just want to rush back to Vietnam whenever I see her photos. And the love keeps growing everyday.

I love my grandpa Duong, he is mostly on his bed these days, and I miss listening to his old stories, recounts of memories with grandma. I miss grandma so much too. Cháu nhớ bà nhiều lắm!

I love my two cousins Cam and Na. In my eyes they’re so silly and they make my world so full. Full of laughters and love. And I know they’re always there for me.

I love my other cousins Tung and Thuong too. My comedy duo. I miss hanging out with them and just make fun of each other.

I love my uncle Hung. He’s always so gentle to me. He is probably the funniest uncle I have. Since I have a niece now, I can see how much an aunt/uncle can love their nieces. Just like how much they love their own child.

I love my aunts and uncles from my dad’s side. They care about me more than I could imagine. Sometimes the way they show it is difficult to feel, but I know they do love me too.

I love my bestest friends Binh, Viet and Van, our 15+ years of frienship. Although we can’t hang out as much as before, whenever we meet, it’s just us vs the world, as if I was never away for such a long time. I miss you three.

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There are so many more people that I can’t name them all. Just as today I realize how much love I hold, within me and around me. I write this to remind myself that my life, indeed, is full of love.

I’m a Dog/Cat Person

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Mic, my dog came to my life 5 years ago when my mom brought her home on a Sunday morning 2012. The day has changed my life completely since it has made my life so worth living. Before that, dogs had always scared the shit out of me, even the tiniest ones. And my dad, who is an extremely clean person, hates the idea of having to clean dog poop/pee, was never a dog lover. He said having to put up with us sisters was already enough for him, no need for any other animals’ existence in his house to mess things up (I know, my dad is that brutally straightforward). Thus, I never bore the thought of adopting a pet.

But that day happened and Mic showed up to our surprises. It was then followed by lots of smiles and happy tears because she was so small and cute. I was a bit reserved at first but as soon as I realized “she is MY DOG now and I’m actually having a pet”, my fear completely disappeared. And as the time going by, the more I got to know about Mic, the more I felt stunned about the fun as well as the perks of having a pet around.

How didn’t I adopt a dog earlier?!?!

Mic is such an interesting being. She’s smart and she knows how to get people’s attention. Sometimes she’s really hyperactive jumping and throwing her body at others but that’s just how she shows her love. That energy she having is priceless and it’s contagious. I always find myself powered up and excited when spending time with her.

I constantly perceived myself as a dog person.

2 years later, I adopted Khoai-my kitty despite my parents’ opposition. I made up a story of how my friend gave me this cat as a birthday present and it would be so rude not taking it. So my parents finally accepted her presence in our house. And I had never been surrounded with so much love like that.

Wow a dog and a cat?! This is LIFEEEEEEEEE

Different from Mic, Khoai is quieter and sometimes cold. But I think she’s just being herself no matter how people perceive her to be. Khoai doesn’t spread that kind of energy like Mic, but instead, she listens and calms me down, reminding me of the fact that I’m home. She shows her love perfectly when it’s needed and that love is warm. She’s soft and soothing like music to my soul.

Mic and Khoai, they’re both important components of my life. They together reflect my personalities. They are family. They are love. I cannot imagine my life without them.

So I guess, you can say I’m either a dog or a cat person. It doesn’t matter. What truly matters is their being here with me.

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No further ado, pictures!

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To the happy face!

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Mic is always a good poser in front of camera

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Who can resist that face!

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THAT SHAPE THOUGHHHHH

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Believe it, she’s a mom.

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When mama gives your little sister food and you got none