Tag: feelings

“It’s ok to not be ok”

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The first month of 2017 has been like magic to me. And no, I didn’t win the lottery or gain any materialistic things. But I did find a thing. A thing that I’m not sure whether it is tangible. All I can assure is that has shed light on me after days of darkness. The self-love community on the Internet. More specifically, the body positivity on Instagram.

Some people might be questioning how some randoms posts or pictures of strangers on the Internet could dramatically change someone’s life. I agree. Those things do not change me. Instead, they shift me towards positivity by telling me how I should stay myself, stay true, stay beautiful.

From that on, I’VE BEEN THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO CHANGE. It’s my decision to change the way I view the world, myself and the relations between us. It took me a while to figure out everything. It took a lot of self-reflection as I was constantly questioning my own existence. Then finally, it came to the point that I realized it was my mindset that had been torturing myself, making me suffer toxic feelings the whole time. And I knew for sure that it was time for me to do something about it.

I’ve embarked on this self-love journey, the journey of optimism. I’ve started learning how to love myself, to try my best to exclude negativity and anything related to that. At the same time, I also realized that the journey of fully embracing myself is definitely not easy. Lots of lessons out there are waiting to be learned.

Now, I’m dealing with one of those lessons.

The lesson began when I went to school again after a long holiday season. It’s been a week of new semester, internship, part-time job. I truly want to believe in myself that I could handle everything. However, there is a part of me that is getting weaker and weaker. At first, I could not comprehend that since I was so sure that I was stronger than ever.

Fortunately, my light-bulb moment has been underway. The point I’ve been missing is that I am a human and I’m going against nature. More specifically, while I’m trying too hard to be upbeat all the time, I’m accidentally suppressing all of my other feelings. The stress, the rage, the grief, the guilt, the disappointment, etc. I thought I was putting on my fences to not let them in. The fact, unfortunately, is that they are inside me. They are parts of me. And what I’m doing is trapping them inside. I forgot I’m human and it’s normal to have those feelings. No normal human beings can be smiley 24/7.

Therefore, as the problem has been defined, I’m taking action. I’m accepting that side of me. I’m letting them out by writing, sharing the world my story. To be told that everything will be ok. To be told that It’s ok to not be ok.

Emotional Sunday Morning

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Sunday, 08 January 2016

11:30 A.M

There are days where I become so unstable emotionally, susceptible to every damn thing, even the minutiae of life. A fictional Christmas movie on HBO, that ravishing music video on MTV, the perfectly high-pitched voice of Lady Gaga… They were all so incredibly beautiful as I burst out in tears in just a second.

And what surprised me was the more I cried, the more I felt relieved. I kept on letting all out. Away with the tears were the strain, the rage and other toxic feelings that I’d carried within my body. In a moment I was just being honest to myself without caring about the exterior world. I also constantly blamed myself for having let those minor, toxic things get on my nerves and not staying true to who I am while contemplating the beauty of life.

I had never embraced my ugly leaky face. But today it made me feel genuine and beautiful.

Thank you so much, my precious tears.

Chuyện chỗ học tiếng Đức

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Tối thứ sáu, thay vì lên lớp học như mọi khi thì mọi người tập trung dưới Hội trường để văn nghệ liên hoan bánh kẹo xúc xích Việt-Đức mừng lễ Giáng sinh. Và tất nhiên, có tiết mục Weihnachtsmann (a.k.a Santa Claus) phát quà. Weihnachtsmann là thầy người Đức nói tiếng Việt siêu sõi và siêu đẹp trai. Chưa kể vụ xỏ 1 bên tai 2 khuyên cực ngầu.

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Vâng, giữa “vô vàn” những món quà khác thì số phận tặng mình một CON LỢN ĐẤT MÀU HỒNG!

Và món quà mình nhận được là con lợn đất này đây. Vâng, giữa vô vàn nhưng món quà khác, nào sổ nào bút nào cốc nào vở thì mình được một CON LỢN ĐẤT MÀU HỒNG! Ngay khi mở quà thì mình lập tức phản ứng theo cái kiểu “ghét nhất màu hồng”, “sao lại là lợn”. Mọi người ngồi cùng bàn cũng cười phá lên: “Ôi, hợp cậu đấy!” Rồi chẳng ai bảo ai, lần lượt từng người chuyền tay nhau con lợn, thả vào cái khe bé tí đằng mông lợn đất mấy đồng xu, mấy tờ tiền lẻ 1K, 2K. Bắt đầu từ anh A (anh già nhất hội và cũng tốt bụng nhất hội nhưng em không nhớ tên) đưa mình đồng xu của 1 nước châu Á mà mình cũng không nhớ tên. Mình chỉ biết gật gật cảm ơn.

“Con lạy ông đi qua lạy bà đi lại…”

“Nhớ buổi cuối mang lợn đi đập để cả lớp liên hoan nhé!”

“Ơ?”

Thật sự, cho đến tận lúc về nhà mình vẫn không hiểu động cơ của mọi người khi tự nguyện đút tiền vào lợn của một đứa ất ơ mà họ mới nói chuyện từ 1-2 tiếng trước. Có lẽ họ đang say vì cốc rượu nồng hương quế? Có thể vì họ đang vui? Vì “phong trào”? Hay có phong tục tập quán gì đấy mà mình chưa biết?

Dù sao thì tối nay là một buổi tối khá vui vẻ (mặc dù về nhà soi gương thấy có thức ăn mắc ở niềng răng tự bao giờ). Mọi người tốt bụng, dễ mến, và hơn hết là họ nhìn-thấy-mình.

#christmasgift #noel #warmday #VDZ

Building My Writing Muscles

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Recently I have watched and read plenty of things about psychology, especially about human mindset. The way we think about ourselves determines our action, and our action determines our success in life.

It is the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. People with fixed mindset bear in mind the thought that their abilities are locked in place. So these people often back down when facing something “out of reach” to them. But for ones with a growth mindset, a challenge is an opportunity to learn and grow. They think their abilities can improve through practices. In fact, this is true. Science supports people with a growth mindset, as it has been proved that our nerves do get stronger after regular practicing and exercises.

“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” – Lou Holtz

This theory did touch my nerves. I need to have a growth mindset for sure. Therefore, even when luck does not smile at me, science will support me.

I started thinking about what I was afraid of all the time, what I seemed “out of reach”.

WRITING!

Yes, writing has always been my sworn enemy. Especially writing in English. I am pure Vietnamese. I speak Vietnamese, write Vietnamese. I even had troubles when it came to writing in my mother language. So writing something in other language was a nightmare. It took me hours to finish a 250-word essay. At school, my scores for English writing skill were the worst.

After having detected my sworn enemy, I decided to make friends with it. From now on, I will not avoid it any longer and change my attitude. The relationship between writing and me will get stronger over time. Like muscles, I hope my writing ability could be improved through practicing.

Now I am forming my writing muscles. I am trying to write more, in Vietnamese and English (and hopefully French in the future). Though my writing would maybe sound stupid or naive, I will write about random things, anything I run into during my life journey. This blog is going to be a place for me to do it.

At the end of the day, future is future. I don’t know if any of above things would take effect. I don’t know eventually what I will become or how good I will be. But let’s just live for today, better myself and grow!

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P/S: Hoping that some native English speakers could read this and point out my mistakes or comment on the way I write. I would really appreciate!