Tag: mental illness

TODAY I RANT…

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Give me a word to describe how I hate this world.

How I hate the entire human kind.

And, of course, myself.

Everything disgusts me.

Everyone annoys me.

I feel myself included in that “everyone” but also excluded from the term.

“Same same but different.” What does that even mean?

My existence along with these creatures.

It seems to perfectly blend in.

But once my brain works.

Everything becomes.

Complicated as it always is.

Confusing as it always is.

Colorful as it always is.

An abstract painting that I could never understand.

My ideas, my thoughts and my words are being tangled.

The flow is endless, yet unpredictable.

I need to stop the flow.

I need to stop looking stupid.

I need to stop writing non-sense.

I need to stop. Stop.

 

“Be the change you want to see”

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People always say: “Be the change you want to see”, which, to the way I interpret, is that if you want people treat you differently, you should first start to treat them differently. Because, to some extends, the way people treat you reflects your attitude to them.

I listened. I changed. I tried to be the change.

…

So what exactly do I want to see?

I want people to notice to me.

I want people to listen to me.

I want people to comfort me.

I want people to appreciate me.

I want people to stop taking me for granted and start to include me in their lives.

…

But am I asking for too much? What did I try to do to deserve all of that? Was my attempt enough?

No.

The more I tried to be available for everyone, the more I was taken for granted.

The more I tried to help, the more useless I deemed to be.

The more I tried to show people I how appreciated them, the more dramatic and cheesy I looked.

Then how much is enough?

I have no clue.

No fucking clue.

…

As the lights are off and darkness fills the atmosphere, I feel so empty, lonely and helpless. I feel being left out. I want to talk. To anybody. Just a short decent conversation would be good. Just that. But with who? No one stays up this late. And if they do, they are probably doing something much more entertaining than listening to me rant.

…

I am probably just acting dramatically.

I should get rid of my problems by my own.

I am seeking for attention.

I am being selfish.

Poverty, war, sexism, racism. Those are the things I should be concerned of.

I should stop starting the sentences with “I”, stop being self-centered and think for others.

People have their own lives in which I have no role.

Deal with it.

“It’s ok to not be ok”

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39

The first month of 2017 has been like magic to me. And no, I didn’t win the lottery or gain any materialistic things. But I did find a thing. A thing that I’m not sure whether it is tangible. All I can assure is that has shed light on me after days of darkness. The self-love community on the Internet. More specifically, the body positivity on Instagram.

Some people might be questioning how some randoms posts or pictures of strangers on the Internet could dramatically change someone’s life. I agree. Those things do not change me. Instead, they shift me towards positivity by telling me how I should stay myself, stay true, stay beautiful.

From that on, I’VE BEEN THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO CHANGE. It’s my decision to change the way I view the world, myself and the relations between us. It took me a while to figure out everything. It took a lot of self-reflection as I was constantly questioning my own existence. Then finally, it came to the point that I realized it was my mindset that had been torturing myself, making me suffer toxic feelings the whole time. And I knew for sure that it was time for me to do something about it.

I’ve embarked on this self-love journey, the journey of optimism. I’ve started learning how to love myself, to try my best to exclude negativity and anything related to that. At the same time, I also realized that the journey of fully embracing myself is definitely not easy. Lots of lessons out there are waiting to be learned.

Now, I’m dealing with one of those lessons.

The lesson began when I went to school again after a long holiday season. It’s been a week of new semester, internship, part-time job. I truly want to believe in myself that I could handle everything. However, there is a part of me that is getting weaker and weaker. At first, I could not comprehend that since I was so sure that I was stronger than ever.

Fortunately, my light-bulb moment has been underway. The point I’ve been missing is that I am a human and I’m going against nature. More specifically, while I’m trying too hard to be upbeat all the time, I’m accidentally suppressing all of my other feelings. The stress, the rage, the grief, the guilt, the disappointment, etc. I thought I was putting on my fences to not let them in. The fact, unfortunately, is that they are inside me. They are parts of me. And what I’m doing is trapping them inside. I forgot I’m human and it’s normal to have those feelings. No normal human beings can be smiley 24/7.

Therefore, as the problem has been defined, I’m taking action. I’m accepting that side of me. I’m letting them out by writing, sharing the world my story. To be told that everything will be ok. To be told that It’s ok to not be ok.