I lost my virginity at the age of 22. It was with my then-boyfriend and that was also his first time. Thanks to the internet, I had learned before, that sex is not a taboo, and indeed, an important topic to discuss, explore and think about. Hence, my first time was gentle, open, and loving.

Then throughout my following years, I explored more what it was like to be sexually active. I had multiple partners, and I tried different things. As a part of my studies, I also joined various conversations around sex, women’s experiences, gender-based violence, sexual assault, etc. I tried to equip myself with knowledge, tools to protect myself from potential harm.

But little did I know, learning about oneself is essential as one learns about sex. Besides knowing how your body functions uniquely, or what turns you on and whatnot, not everyone is aware of the power dynamics that might exist between the two (or more) partners, how boundaries work between themselves. A lot of the time, I found my people-pleasing tendency giving in to sex. I honestly didn’t know how to say no or to signal the feeling of discomfort, especially upon seeing how much my partner wanted me. I am sure that if I ever had spoken up at the time, they would have stopped. But I was unable to.

Fast forward to last week,

I was raped.

It was so clear that it was rape. But (unsurprisingly) I didn’t know until everything was done and only after I told another person about the incident. It was in the morning after the previous night we spent together. He wanted me and I said no. But he kept on trying. After the third time of saying no and pulling myself away, I gave up. He didn’t stop until he saw that I was bleeding. I thought it was an honest misunderstanding. I blamed myself for not having said no firmly.

It took me a while to come to my senses that I was raped. The incident wasn’t violent or extreme but I was, unmistakenly, forced to have sex. Although consensual non-consent was mentioned between us, the guy and I never seriously talked about it. Not to say the guy wasn’t guilty, but after all of this, I have had my reflection on how my poor-defined boundaries and low self-esteem problems play a big role in my approach towards sex and my experience with my current partners or even the previous ones. I see now how many times I “naturally” said yes when deep down I wanted to say no because I couldn’t put myself above others.

I wonder how much of this low-self esteem of mine and my people-pleaser self are attributed to the patriarchal society’s teachings towards women and girls. That we are supposed to put others above ourselves. That we are supposed to be attentive of people around us, to the point of hypervigilance. There is so much to unpack on this aspect of my up-bringing that has molded me to the insecure person I am today.

I leave my experience here for my future self to never let this happen again, for anyone who stumbles on this could ever relate. PLEASE, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY NO!

All the things I used to think about myself and my life prove how narrow and unfair my self perception was. Probably it still is, but as time go, I try to gain more perspectives.

The perspectives of love.

The perspectives of kindness.

The perspectives of gratitude.

The perspectives of abundance.

I have come all the way to where I am now. The physical place, the mental, the spiritual and the humane place. I have all the rights to feel proud and greatful of myself. But the physical world is good at distracting us from looking within and seeing what our life journey truly is.

…

“I was wrong
Wrong to think I’d never find someone
Who looks at me and knows that I’m the one
Get a house, start a family
Get a dog, and get married
Whatever we want
‘Cause I was wrong”

Tháng Hai ạ, biết ơn và yêu thương nhiều.

Tháng Hai mang mình đến một thói quen mới. Mình học tiếng Ý đều đặn hơn, tích cực hơn và cảm thấy có động lực hơn về vị trí của mình trên đất Ý. Sau một lần “tỉnh ngộ”, mình nhận ra từ bao giờ mình đã quên mất điều mình thực sự muốn làm, rằng mình chỉ muốn giúp đỡ những người yếu thế, một cách đơn giản nhất. Vì nhiều áp lực xung quanh mà mình quên mất, tạo thêm ra nhiều áp lực hơn cho bản thân. Mình xin lỗi nhé!

Tháng Hai, mình tổ chức Tết ở Ý. Mình cố gắng giữ gìn văn hóa lễ tết Việt ở nơi xứ người. Mình rán nem, làm gà, mình mời các bạn tới đón tết. Mình nhận ra, mình cũng có một gia đình nhỏ ở đây. Mình cần yêu thương và trân trọng gia đình nhỏ này. Nhiều lúc mình cảm thấy cô đơn và hoài nghi mọi thứ. Nhưng họ vẫn luôn ở đó, sẵn sàng giúp đỡ. Mình cũng sẽ ở đây, cùng với họ.

Tháng Hai mình được đi làm. Mình nhận ra môi trường buôn bán không dành cho mình. Nhưng trải nghiệm nào thì cũng đáng học hỏi. Mình được biết thêm nhiều góc nhìn của cuộc sống. Dù mỗi lần đi làm về thân thể kiệt quệ, lần này mình còn bị cứng cổ mất mấy ngày, nhưng như vậy để biết rằng đồng tiền kiếm không dễ, và mình thực sự không cần nhiều tiền đến vậy.

Tháng Hai là tháng của ngày lễ Valentine. Mình có người tình mới. Có những cảm xúc khác lạ, thú vị thật nhưng mình không chắc là mình muốn những cảm xúc này trong thời điểm này. Có những cảm xúc quen thuộc cực kỳ nhưng cũng rất khó hiểu, cảm giác lúc nào cũng đang thiếu một thứ gì đó. Mình nghĩ, mình cần nhiều hơn là sự va chạm thể xác. Mình cần một sự kết nối.

Tháng Hai cũng mang trở lại cho mình con người đặc biệt ấy. Trước đó, bao giờ mình cũng đau đáu hướng về họ. Tại sao một người mình yêu thương nhất lại có thể ruồng bỏ mình như vậy? Mình đã tự hỏi. Nhưng giờ mình nhận ra, họ cũng chỉ đang tìm kiếm những gì tốt nhất cho bản thân họ. Chỉ là mình không phải là thứ họ cần. Mình chỉ cần biết là họ không ghét mình. Nhẹ nhõm thực sự. Cảm ơn vì đã quay lại!

I realize I do think a lot about ending my life. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

I’m still able to feel happy, excited and many other positive feelings. I feel a lot, but for some reason, feelings don’t fill me up like the way they used to.

Is it the hopeful feeling that I’m lacking?

To look deeper inside of me, I do see visions of how I would like my life to be. There are a lot of challenges ahead that I’m sure if I put my mind into, I will surely overcome them all. Yet the goals don’t seem so important and inspiring anymore. “Meh, I don’t mind if I won’t reach them to be honest”, I tell myself.

I feel like if I end it all here and now it wouldn’t be bad either. I’m old, tired and I have had enough. I see the points of being alive, but I also feel fine ceasing to seek further. I’m not depressed, I’m satisfied, enough to call it a life.

Reset everything we were. Here we are, starting our life together in a beautiful medieval village in the rural area Tuscany.

I struggle still with self-image. I struggle with seeing every single human beautiful. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way but I can’t yet see it. I want to actually appreciate everyone’s beauty rather than just knowing that it’s the right thing to do.

I hate that my brain works black and white. Seeing conventionally beautiful humans reflects back to me, that I’m the opposite of beauty – ugly. Of course I know that is not true: one’s beauty doesn’t exclude others’ beauty. But there is a social construct ‘beauty standard’, which I’m heavily influenced by, I know that I myself can’t see myself fit in that ‘standard’ nor some others who don’t fit that ‘standard’. After all these years trying to deconstruct the old believes, here I am, still talking about how insecure I am with the way I look.

People say it’s ok to not see everything beautiful. But how can’t I move beyond that knowing I could never fully appreciate my body, the way I look, the way I carry myself. And since I can’t appreciate myself, a human, how can I go around telling other humans that I appreciate their beauty.

A hypocrite, that’s what I am.
A lonesome hypocrite who is traumatized to voice her insecurities to anyone because if they know, they will leave. “You need to go to therapy”, they say. They’re sick of me talking about my insecurities and worries. So yes, I will not talk about my dark sides anymore, I won’t vent, I will be a good optimistic person. Hence, coming back to the full circle, I am a hypocrite.

taken by Niccolò Vergari

Transitions are always hard. Big transitions.

I completed my master’s degree to move on, with all the uncertainties and worries of how my future would look like. I told myself it is normal to feel this way. Just breath. Step by step. I will find a way.

A project in Umbria that pays. A research project offered by my professor.

“Anh! Look! Things are manifested naturally just like that!”, the Universe whispered into my ears. I was hopeful. I felt loved and blessed.

Mom got breast cancer at stage 4.

My world turned upside down. I’m not ready to lose her. And I won’t lose her. But it doesn’t seem to be the only bad news: my family is in crisis, all dysfunctional becomes visible, no one doesn’t seem to be able to compromise.

I’m in the middle. I think about my life and all the future plans that I will sacrifice. Then I realize how selfish I am for thinking for myself while everyone is also in crisis. Then I also realize the guilt probably comes from my programmed mind to prioritize other’s happiness over my own. I realize how much I need someone to understand my story and tell me they are there no matter what. I don’t think I can ask that from my parents. Nor the partner I’m having. Even myself. How tragic.

I want a safe space. A loving space. Where I can be ugly, selfish and childish. I try to be the one to give myself that space. But damn it is hard.

I hate that I have not yet been kind to myself. I seek for people’s kindness. A certain type of kindness. A projection I have about how kindness should look like. A delusion.

Anyway I am coming home.

you miss someone so much that you don’t want to feel ok again, because that’ll mean that you’re ok without them. that’ll mean that life really does go on. you’re scared that if you feel ok again, you might forget what it felt like to feel them at all.

now all my friend is telling me
put aside our memories
but i don’t like the thought of moving on
cuz every step towars something new
is a step away from you
i kinda like the heartbreak
the falling apart
the way my tears taste
i let the sad songs
remind me of you
you might be long gone
but you’re still here in my room.