Humans and the inhumans

Me: *writing about living healthy and healing

Also me: “Am I actually healing and feeling good? If I am actually satisfied with my life, do I need to write it out to boost my ego? Remember, people who always talk about power have power issues.”

Also me: “You’re absolutely not fine.”

Also me: “Maybe not 100%, but it is a journey. Doing something to make you feel better is always good. Write it out, talk about your emotions, being proud of yourself!”

Also me: “But think about it. Are you ok?”

……

Me: *transcribing the interview audio for thesis thinking “Damn people! You don’t want to travel to New Zealand because it’s a cliche destination?! So now it’s all about not looking cliche huh?”

Also me: “Damn girl! How judgemental are you! Let them be! You are not better for not caring about the looks.”

Also me: “No, damn you! Stop saying that about yourself. You’re learning and unlearning things. It’s ok to judge a little bit so you can learn.”

….

Me: *hearing someone said they hated the US because people there are ignorant and shoot guns “The US may be overrated but there are more than that. Just admit that you’re under its influence.”

Also me: “Being judgemental is natural. Let people have their points of view for God’s sake.”

Also me: “You’re being judgemental about people being judgemental. You’re no better!”

Also me: “It’s not about being better. Just be.”

….

Me: *thinking about how I should tell this friend to define their own “coolness” and stop caring about other’s opinions

Also me: “When did it become your problem? Have you, yourself, stopped caring about other’s opinions?”

Also me: “Very true, it’s not my problem at all. I should just let them be.”

Also me: “But I’m allowed to speak my mind.”

Also me: “About the way I want to live. Not how others should be.”

Also me: “So what now?”

…

Excuse me, can you just stop thinking, perhaps?

A split moment:

“Damn I have a smart phone now?! How cool!”

I was picking up my phone from the table, and for some reason, I was my 14 year-old self again, who always wished for once, that she could have her very own smart phone one day. For that very short moment of regression, I felt the utmost joy as if I had achieved everything in life. How silly!

…

In one conversation with myself today, I looked back at what my mom and I myself often said to me: You are a good person, you will surely have a happy ending. What a beautiful way to see my life, isn’t it? Someday I will find a real home for myself, I will have a nice job. Someday I will eventually settle. Someday I will get to do the things that I want. Someday, someday, someday,..

I stopped myself right there.

What if right now, right here is my “happy ending”?

I mean I already have a smart phone of my own, something that my teenage self had always dreamed of. Not to mention, I am studying in Italy. I actually lived in three strange countries. I have traveled to places. I flew business class twice. I do house parties with foreigners. I talk with foreigners in three languages (whaaaaa). I’ve tried so many exotic foods. I have my own money to buy junk food whenever I want. I have money to buy paint. I paint. I do crafting. etc. So many random things that my younger self could only dream of and now I am doing so so many of them.

Even recently, I found out about Dr. Brain Weiss and his books about past life regression and how his patients recall their past life traumas and even their past life connections that make them recognize people in their present life. So it means, our life journey has begun long before we were born. The fact that we’re here and now is the result of many circles of not only life events but also a continuation of lives. It is our soul journey.

Seeing life this way gives me a sense of longing – I want to know how I was in my past life, and also a sense of pride or even greatness – I’ve come so far. Suddenly, nothing truly matters anymore. If it is the soul that is doing its journey, then why do I have to hold onto so many things in my current life, including this identity of Duong Ngoc Anh? (well, there is actually one thing that matters. According to Dr. Weiss and his story of the two “soulmates” of the long centuries who always found each other across time: “only love is real”. But it will be for another post)

Connecting the dots, this is what Eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now are trying to tell us too. We’re not our mind nor our body. We’re souls. Souls are timeless and untouchable. Meaning, from within, we are safe and protected. We’re enough. I am enough.

…

I’m not yet enlightened. But I would like to believe in this theory because I have a theory that we’re living in a simulation of different systems/theories – which, again, will be the topic for another post. But for now, I claim this system, the system where I can fly and never die.

Last Friday I finally came forwards with my therapy group about how I often got angry at myself each time I tried to be “zen” but couldn’t because of the little people in my brain. That the anger, the frustration, the helplessness then turned into an invisible heavy stone pressing on my stomach. All I wanted was to let my brain rest, but thoughts keep popping up. All kinds of thoughts. Thoughts about thoughts. Thinking about thinking. It was endless. Why can’t I control my mind?!

The therapist asked me if I had an ideal perception of “relaxation” that got me fixated on it. It turned out, I did and probably still do until this hour. I’ve got to admit that I still hold so many fixed perceptions of how things should be. After weeks of chewing on the Power of Now, I still can’t just be and let the world unfold in front of me. I am still harsh on myself at times. I am still judgemental.

On the other hand, I must also give myself credit, as told by my therapist. So here it is, I finally feel somewhat safe to get my thoughts out there to the Universe – just me and the non-me now. To start off, my life changed drastically over the past month and I’m slowly making peace within myself and the outer world.

The first notable thing, I am more in tune with my body and my authentic self. There’s not a day that I don’t stretch and feel what’s tangled up. I walk barefoot in public to do earthing every week. I listen to my body. I (try to) take care of it. I read more. I rarely use my phone. And I let myself play. I become more playful than ever, even in the way I talk (which could be a coping mechanism that needs looking into). Plus, there’s this side effect that I newly discovered: I can’t stand inauthentic people and I can recognize them pretty quick. This is surreal since I used to have a good impression from everyone like a puppy. It’s not that I hate anyone now, but more like a repulsed gut feeling, that tells me to not engage. It could be a trigger that also needs examining, but for now, I’m embracing this side of me.

Secondly, I am more in control of my surroundings, especially my social surroundings. I’m no longer scared of parties or gatherings because I’ve organized one every Friday since I got back to Padova. I put my spice into it with silly games and challenges to connect people. I see love in the air and I love it. It is actually nice to enjoy people while being the outside observer at the same time. I’m one of them but at the same time, I am not. People’s opinions won’t phase me as much as they used to. The point is, I have fun. Why would I have to wait around for the fun when I can create the fun myself? Isn’t it simple?!

Thirdly, I’ve learned that I am loveable. Being vulnerable with people, the right people can be a good reminder that I am not alone. After each therapy session, I realize that everyone too has their own struggles that we don’t talk about in public. I might not always be able to find the solution at the end of the session but many times I do go home with ease knowing I’m not alone. And after all the gatherings, only recently did I know that people think fondly of me as the “entertainer”, the one they look for when they want to have a fun gathering. Or, maybe it’s because I do believe I am one so it projects onto other people. Either way, I’m falling in love with myself again. Who says I can’t be in love without a man sitting next to me?!

A new week is coming and I am thrilled. I look forward to my Italian class, my therapy session, the housewarming party at Mai’s that I’m planning (https://pp.events/aj5ReMOZ – a link to always remember of how creative I can get), and my sacred time to read, to move my body, to check in on my emotions. But this week I will take it easy on myself.

Anh, be patient. You still have time 🙂

People can get diarrhea when they have the feeling of love!?

Anh left the chat.

I love that every day the internet feeds me with such useful information that I didn’t know I needed. I would never have known that philophobia exists, which is basically an intense fear of falling in love, which is the even more intense, extremely intense manifestation of fear of rejection. What interesting is, the phobia is actually a disorder that has its physical symptoms, such as shaking, trembling, nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea, or even fear of death when the individual feels the feeling of love. Besides, those people who fear love can also have different reactions while in relationships which, for some reason, gets me to reflect so much on my past relationships, even though I don’t think I’m philophobic.

One of them is how my fear of rejection plays out in subtle ways: first, my “body count”, not too many but also not few – which I am not proud of. I did engage with some people deeper than I was supposed to but it is not the question. The question I ask myself now and some of my friends used to ask me in the past is, “why did you give yourself out so early?”. I can always give an easy answer of how it was the lifestyle I wanted, or how I wanted nothing more than some physical intimacy to keep me sane. But truth is, I wasn’t always aware that it stems from my fear of rejection. In my brain, sex seems to be a “bad move” if I would like someone to like me romantically, so letting them have that with me on the first date means that I already clear the chance of any emotional attachment for both of us, also meaning no chance for rejection to happen.

Another manifestation of such fear is how I am either very needy or “rejecting” when being in a relationship. I can be needy in a way that I’d immediately build my life around my partner, I’d constantly fear my partner’s feelings, especially feelings towards me (since I always direct things at myself for no reason). If things don’t go my way, I’d turn to be “rejecting”, I push my partner away, I threaten to break up since I fear I would be the one to be rejected, hence, again, I have to first clear the possibility of rejection that I might get. Like a child, I think I’m winning but I’m actually just being an idiot. Besides, it gets worse when I actually love the person. The bigger the love is, especially when the person becomes a part of my soul, the bigger the fear is, the more the fear would interfere in with my life. Imagine losing a part of my soul?! I would lose myself, constantly live in fear, and as a result, the more “rejecting” I’d become – reject my love for them and their love for me. “Love is scary when it’s true”. I learn now that I don’t want to push love away but my irrational fear.

Funny how the past days, love songs triggered me badly. They all sing about how people give themselves away when they’re in love, how their girl or guy seems to be the ones to control their emotions and even their life. This idea got me upset because of how blind and unhealthy it is. But now, as I am writing these lines, I think I understand them. They’re not toxic, love is not toxic. Caring and sacrificing for your person is not toxic. You give what you have. If you only have love, pure love, you give beautiful love. It is the insecurities, the low self-esteem, the fears that are toxic. If you have fears, anxieties, and a low self-esteem, and you do things out of fear and anxieties, your person will definitely feel it. So Anh, please remember: you don’t want to push love away, but the fear, the insecurities, the worries. In all situations, just be. Be kind. Be peace. Be love.

Secondhand loneliness.

I revived old thoughts, returning to my alone aloof habit.

I needed no one. I need no one and I WILL need no one.

But I kinda do.

It’s never about needing someone. How should it have been about then? The unbound boundness?

I am extremely bored. I am extremely overwhelmed. I have things I should get done. First, put myself together. As doing so, I find my very old person. A free depressed soul. I think loneliness looks good on me. It makes me explore things around me so to prevent me from annoying other people.

I tend to cling onto anyone that gives me slight attention. I like the attention. People who mind their own business make me feel nervous. They feel cold to me. I need the attention.

WHY AM I LIKE THIS???

Eventually I am alone. I will soon be single. Who can stand my irrationality.

No one.

Do not find me.

Since the beginning of this month – May, I was going through hell of an emotional rollercoaster, which I put myself into. I don’t really remember how it started but it seems everything comes back to my unattended inner self that I haven’t found the time to really look into or to heal it.

—————-

These days I feel everything that has been built for the last four months is being shattered piece by piece. I thought I made a good foundation – meaning, if a disaster happens, all it does will be a little scratch on the surface. I was wrong. I deem to have stepped on the wrong foot. I didn’t come in new. I was still the same ‘broken’ soul disguised in this jolly pretentious optimistic facade.

Deep down, I am still that insecure child.

I am weak and I have to admit it.

“How can you ever truly love someone before you love yourself?”

Maybe they’re right. I was never meant to come in any relationship before having fully healed. All I do would be destructive. For the person. And for myself. The way I’ve treated myself has been now projected onto my partner. I’ve infected them with my childish behavior and toxic habit.

It turned out, I was never a decent reliable space for anyone to enter and find comfort.

—————

“I’m peace, I’m comfort, I’m kind”.

I am far from the person I want to become. I’ve become the ‘parent’ that my childhood always feared. Now when I reflect on it, I do fear the person I’ve become now. (passive) aggressiveness. obsession over perfectionism. overreaction. dramas.

I wish someone could teach me the true definition of being supportive. Growing up, what I learned was money, services and pressures. I remember it was impossible to understand why dad came home unhappy about his work and put it on me and my sister, or the time when mom just straight-out blamed the burned food on my ‘low’ IQ level or how I’d never be anything decent in my life.

Well, pressure and unpredictableness were the main themes of my childhood. That’s probably why I don’t know how to react in times of hardship, besides panicking, verbal insulting, and escaping. No matter how much I read about how to be a kind communicator, the manifestation of those techniques won’t ever be genuine unless I can fix what lies underneath.

—————

For some years, I used to think everything will be fine if I can communicate and warn people around me about my potential responses. I only open up when someone is willing to. Truth is, I can’t ask for anyone’s tolerance. People are just as broken. It’d be insane that I demand anyone, even my family, to accept my ugly side while myself not doing much about it.

Would you ask a child to be more understanding of their parents’ sudden mood swings that they take down on the child?

To be honest, I wish I could end the entry with a somewhat direction for my future behavior but it’s not that easy. I want to be more understanding and I want to be understood. I want to be at least stable and then hopefully healthy, mentally. I want to communicate kinder, that even in my ugly mental state, I won’t affect the other person.

But these days, it seems like I’m always in my ugly mental state. Is it the situation that brings this side out of me? Is my mentality ready for it? Will I make it through before resetting everything from 0?

I just want to be normal.

The story is… I dedcided to stay.

I’ve known myself as a dopamine chaser. But not anymore. At least not this time.
I’ve talked a lot about how I would like my love to be – unconditional. I’ve complained about how people expect so much from their partners and then call it “love”. Not to say they’re wrong. But to say that I would like my own definition of love.
Yesterday we almost lost it all. And so today. Surprisingly I felt this strength rise within.
“No, I’m not weak!”
“I want to prove myself wrong.”
“Good thing doesn’t come easy.”
As long as I know I’m not doing this alone, I will keep trying. I will work on myself so I can be happy on my own until that extra pop of colors and flavors shows up neat. Otherwise everything’d be still good.
Even until now, I believe my life is far from being bad. I’m blessed with things that are happening in my life. Everything brings me back to love, life lessons and the journey of finding inner peace.
It’s the slow, compassionate living becoming the theme of my upcoming journey (or at least it’s what I’m longing for).

These days I have tortured myself for my stupid decisions. How stupid, making rush decisions that I knew they would someday hurt me to the core. I wish I could grow up and have a vision to protect myself from the outside world. people’s words. people’s actions. Intentional or unintentional.

I never want to blame anyone else other than myself since it is me that let myself fall for anything that ‘sounds’ good. I knew it. I (kinda) knew it from the beginning. Words are just words. Promises are empty. What really killed me was, this is definitely not the first time this happened to me. Afterall, I hope this would be the last time I did this to myself.

Thank you for the lesson. I now know I am more fragile than I thought. I am broken. and selfish. My wounds are open and soon will turn into the scars that forever remind me of my stupidity.

…….

Tonight I cut it open and watch it bleed.

Tonight I face my wounds.

Words

are sharp.