Hot and cold behaviors, moody people get me really bad. Due to my childhood where I learned to watch and tiptoe around my parents and their unpredictable tantrums, I have the habit of noticing people’s moods and reacting to them – which obviously isn’t my responsibility.
I am a moody person myself. But then how do I communicate to other traumatized people that it’s not their fault and spare them the emotional terror?
“Love”, or whatever it is, always happens when I least expect it!
Traumatized people always find each other. If you find me, you have problems.
I’m obsessed with the “creating different worlds” lately. It could be understood in so many ways!
I have to credit myself in my thesis. I myself can’t imagine how I pushed through the worst period of my life.
After the worst nightmare, many problems have become so minor. “Are people still talking about their conflicts with their roommates?!”
Damn brain, why is it so easy to think black-and-white?! I hate this binary way of thinking. Just stop seeing things in the “me vs them”, but “we/us”. No one is actively trying to hurt you. Just take it as the range of colors it is.
People who get it get it.
I can stretch my brain from brilliantly dumb to extremely dumb.
If everyone (and I) can get this very principle idea ‘everyone is EQUALLY beautiful in and out’, neither jealousy nor possessiveness could ever exist.
Black Friday is a real evil.
18.11 is World’s Toilet Day.
A wanderer living with mininum belongings vs. a rich family man with big houses and cars, who is happier? The answer is neither, because it is not a competition of who is the happiest. Each person is conditioned to have certain desires and enjoy a certain things. No one’s happiness is the better kind of happiness.
Isn’t it interesting that there are people who tend to hold on to their own beliefs despite all the changes happen around them?
Within me, with my very own feels, thoughts and experience, I am living and creating my own single world. A secret world where each entity, each incident are meaningful in my unique way of interpretation. A secret world that only I, myself can perceive.
Between you and me, with our very own interactions, emotions and experience shared together, we are also creating a world between us. A secret world that only you and I are living in. A secret world that only you and I know what happened. Between us.
Each human, each relationship creates their own secret world. A secret world that rises above the collective conscious world we are all living in. Or whatever surface perceived by the externalities.
People talk about multiple dimensions of the world that our limited human senses can’t fully perceive. The different worlds we’re creating, they’re not just extra dimensions. They’re not just an extra piece of the big puzzle. They’re the complete picture.
I didn’t realize I have been living in guilt for the majority of my life. It’s the guilt of not doing the things my parents tell me to do, the guilt of not doing what a 27-year-old person should be doing, the guilt of not contributing much to society, the guilt of letting others’ voices determine my worth, the guilt of listening to my evil inner voices, the guilt of projecting those voices onto others, the guilt of having hurt so many people in the past, the guilt of not feeling grateful, the guilt of not being honest with myself, the guilt of not treating myself better, the guilt of guilt-tripping myself into a black hole.
Depression, poor self-esteem, self-harm and strained relationships are just a few of the possible results of living in guilt for long periods of time. On the other hand, inappropriate or excessive guilt is listed as a symptom of depression.
There are so many reasons to feel guilty.
As if my existence is a sin.
As if I wasn’t supposed to exist.
My inner voice is saying: “They’re watching you go down in flames. No one cares about you. They are probably just feeling guilty themselves so they stay around.”
My inner voice is saying: “Why can’t you be a warm beam of light so you’re more likable? Why can’t you like yourself?”
My inner voice is saying: “Keep yourself away from other people until you find compassion within yourself.”
But one day, I will finally hear a warm voice within that comes naturally on its own, telling me that I’m safe, protected and loved.
I am a Zillenial, a hybrid of Millenials and Gen Z.
Eating bananas improves moods. Bananas have a substance found in Prozac, a medicine prescribed for clinically depressed patients.
Always remember to be patient, be patient with myself, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to feel good instantly and constantly.
Fall weather is ridiculous. Hot then cold, yes then no?
Repeating one same song for hours makes me feel like I’m staying in a loop of time, especially the one from my childhood
I want to say sorry to many people in my life but I can’t. But it’s ok because I am already living in the consequences of my mistakes. I paid my dues.
It’s not my fault if people only see the bad in me. Would I want to stay around people who are not forgiving?
“She’s a 10 but she forces herself to study the Bible.”
“She’s a 10 but she is a regular smoker so she can’t fuck up other aspects of her life anymore.”
Science says people don’t need to be physically flexible to be healthy as long as they have the range of movements they need.
Accidentally bought 5 packs of rice papers then quickly sold them out to friends in less than 15 minutes. Thanks to my natural modeling talent.
Everyone talking about boys and relationships gives me anxiety and pressure. Am I normal with my current non-romance/sex life?
I am 27 years old, should I get pregnant? Surely the child will give me a purpose to live. Why do people look disgusted when I tell this joke?
My sister is the funniest. Whoever compliments her photos, she replies: “You are the person who holds the truth of the Universe. Everything you say is correct. Everyone should listen to you.”
Zen masters say that I should dig deep into my shadow self so I stop living in the surface level or autopilot mode. But hell it’s a lot of overthinking and pains and tears. What’s wrong with the autopilot mode? Isn’t ignorance a bliss? I’m confused.
Concluding my thesis soon, and it’s giving me constipation. BIG TIME!
Therapy helps, and medicines help. Don’t leave your disease unmedicated!
It’s getting cold. How can I walk barefoot in nature?
I used to think I was the ugliest among people, probably because I didn’t get familiarized with my reflection in the mirror. Inclusive representation on social media does matter.
I should take more selfies since science says it improves moods.
I keep talking about improving my moods, but what about my deep-rooted problems?
Many times do I find myself caught up in the reactions (meaning complaining, bickering, feeling anxious, nervous, guilty, etc) instead of taking a step outside and looking for a sensible solution for my situation. Many times do I forget my human power: imagination.
In moments of adversity, I try to close my eyes and think of the best scenario, the continued storyline of what happened instead of wishing the problem to go away. I won’t probably see the solution right away, but the beautiful narrative that will put my mind at ease. We all know, solving the emotional distress is solving half of the problem.
Slowly, the feelings stop building up, leaving space for the brain to look for the solution. Oftentimes, the solution is literally in front of me, all I need to do is to pick an action. Emotions are surely complicated and unpredictable but they are far different from what is happening in the external reality. I try to remind myself that I’m not a god, I don’t know many things, especially things behind the scene. What I can influence are my emotional world and my immediate surroundings. Hence, imagination is a powerful tool.
Even when no problem arises, I still use my imagination. I visualize stories. I put meanings into things. The homo imaginatus’s don’t realize that they use their imagination more than they think. The future projections, the worries, the fear, the anxiety, and even sadness, aren’t they all the result of their imaginations, or to be exact – their illusions of undesirable scenarios that don’t actually exist. You can call me illusional but are you not?
Either way, I like to live in my imagination, or even imaginations. It is living in another dimension of the world, which is far beyond the 3D reality. Humans’ imagination is a gateway into knowing how we’re making sense of our own world, and at the same time, creating different worlds. In this sense, I am the creator of my reality. You are the creator of your reality. And we are the creators of the world.
So which world do you want to live in? My world? Their world? Or your very own world?
Also me: “Am I actually healing and feeling good? If I am actually satisfied with my life, do I need to write it out to boost my ego? Remember, people who always talk about power have power issues.”
Also me: “You’re absolutely not fine.”
Also me: “Maybe not 100%, but it is a journey. Doing something to make you feel better is always good. Write it out, talk about your emotions, being proud of yourself!”
Also me: “But think about it. Are you ok?”
……
Me: *transcribing the interview audio for thesis thinking “Damn people! You don’t want to travel to New Zealand because it’s a cliche destination?! So now it’s all about not looking cliche huh?”
Also me: “Damn girl! How judgemental are you! Let them be! You are not better for not caring about the looks.”
Also me: “No, damn you! Stop saying that about yourself. You’re learning and unlearning things. It’s ok to judge a little bit so you can learn.”
….
Me: *hearing someone said they hated the US because people there are ignorant and shoot guns “The US may be overrated but there are more than that. Just admit that you’re under its influence.”
Also me: “Being judgemental is natural. Let people have their points of view for God’s sake.”
Also me: “You’re being judgemental about people being judgemental. You’re no better!”
Also me: “It’s not about being better. Just be.”
….
Me: *thinking about how I should tell this friend to define their own “coolness” and stop caring about other’s opinions
Also me: “When did it become your problem? Have you, yourself, stopped caring about other’s opinions?”
Also me: “Very true, it’s not my problem at all. I should just let them be.”
Also me: “But I’m allowed to speak my mind.”
Also me: “About the way I want to live. Not how others should be.”
I was picking up my phone from the table, and for some reason, I was my 14 year-old self again, who always wished for once, that she could have her very own smart phone one day. For that very short moment of regression, I felt the utmost joy as if I had achieved everything in life. How silly!
…
In one conversation with myself today, I looked back at what my mom and I myself often said to me: You are a good person, you will surely have a happy ending. What a beautiful way to see my life, isn’t it? Someday I will find a real home for myself, I will have a nice job. Someday I will eventually settle. Someday I will get to do the things that I want. Someday, someday, someday,..
I stopped myself right there.
What if right now, right here is my “happy ending”?
I mean I already have a smart phone of my own, something that my teenage self had always dreamed of. Not to mention, I am studying in Italy. I actually lived in three strange countries. I have traveled to places. I flew business class twice. I do house parties with foreigners. I talk with foreigners in three languages (whaaaaa). I’ve tried so many exotic foods. I have my own money to buy junk food whenever I want. I have money to buy paint. I paint. I do crafting. etc. So many random things that my younger self could only dream of and now I am doing so so many of them.
Little Anh had no idea what a smartphone was nor there was a continent called Europe
Even recently, I found out about Dr. Brain Weiss and his books about past life regression and how his patients recall their past life traumas and even their past life connections that make them recognize people in their present life. So it means, our life journey has begun long before we were born. The fact that we’re here and now is the result of many circles of not only life events but also a continuation of lives. It is our soul journey.
Seeing life this way gives me a sense of longing – I want to know how I was in my past life, and also a sense of pride or even greatness – I’ve come so far. Suddenly, nothing truly matters anymore. If it is the soul that is doing its journey, then why do I have to hold onto so many things in my current life, including this identity of Duong Ngoc Anh? (well, there is actually one thing that matters. According to Dr. Weiss and his story of the two “soulmates” of the long centuries who always found each other across time: “only love is real”. But it will be for another post)
Connecting the dots, this is what Eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now are trying to tell us too. We’re not our mind nor our body. We’re souls. Souls are timeless and untouchable. Meaning, from within, we are safe and protected. We’re enough. I am enough.
…
I’m not yet enlightened. But I would like to believe in this theory because I have a theory that we’re living in a simulation of different systems/theories – which, again, will be the topic for another post. But for now, I claim this system, the system where I can fly and never die.
Last Friday I finally came forwards with my therapy group about how I often got angry at myself each time I tried to be “zen” but couldn’t because of the little people in my brain. That the anger, the frustration, the helplessness then turned into an invisible heavy stone pressing on my stomach. All I wanted was to let my brain rest, but thoughts keep popping up. All kinds of thoughts. Thoughts about thoughts. Thinking about thinking. It was endless. Why can’t I control my mind?!
The therapist asked me if I had an ideal perception of “relaxation” that got me fixated on it. It turned out, I did and probably still do until this hour. I’ve got to admit that I still hold so many fixed perceptions of how things should be. After weeks of chewing on the Power of Now, I still can’t just be and let the world unfold in front of me. I am still harsh on myself at times. I am still judgemental.
On the other hand, I must also give myself credit, as told by my therapist. So here it is, I finally feel somewhat safe to get my thoughts out there to the Universe – just me and the non-me now. To start off, my life changed drastically over the past month and I’m slowly making peace within myself and the outer world.
The first notable thing, I am more in tune with my body and my authentic self. There’s not a day that I don’t stretch and feel what’s tangled up. I walk barefoot in public to do earthing every week. I listen to my body. I (try to) take care of it. I read more. I rarely use my phone. And I let myself play. I become more playful than ever, even in the way I talk (which could be a coping mechanism that needs looking into). Plus, there’s this side effect that I newly discovered: I can’t stand inauthentic people and I can recognize them pretty quick. This is surreal since I used to have a good impression from everyone like a puppy. It’s not that I hate anyone now, but more like a repulsed gut feeling, that tells me to not engage. It could be a trigger that also needs examining, but for now, I’m embracing this side of me.
Secondly, I am more in control of my surroundings, especially my social surroundings. I’m no longer scared of parties or gatherings because I’ve organized one every Friday since I got back to Padova. I put my spice into it with silly games and challenges to connect people. I see love in the air and I love it. It is actually nice to enjoy people while being the outside observer at the same time. I’m one of them but at the same time, I am not. People’s opinions won’t phase me as much as they used to. The point is, I have fun. Why would I have to wait around for the fun when I can create the fun myself? Isn’t it simple?!
Thirdly, I’ve learned that I am loveable. Being vulnerable with people, the right people can be a good reminder that I am not alone. After each therapy session, I realize that everyone too has their own struggles that we don’t talk about in public. I might not always be able to find the solution at the end of the session but many times I do go home with ease knowing I’m not alone. And after all the gatherings, only recently did I know that people think fondly of me as the “entertainer”, the one they look for when they want to have a fun gathering. Or, maybe it’s because I do believe I am one so it projects onto other people. Either way, I’m falling in love with myself again. Who says I can’t be in love without a man sitting next to me?!
A new week is coming and I am thrilled. I look forward to my Italian class, my therapy session, the housewarming party at Mai’s that I’m planning (https://pp.events/aj5ReMOZ – a link to always remember of how creative I can get), and my sacred time to read, to move my body, to check in on my emotions. But this week I will take it easy on myself.
@happohippy 