All the things I used to think about myself and my life prove how narrow and unfair my self perception was. Probably it still is, but as time go, I try to gain more perspectives.
The perspectives of love.
The perspectives of kindness.
The perspectives of gratitude.
The perspectives of abundance.
I have come all the way to where I am now. The physical place, the mental, the spiritual and the humane place. I have all the rights to feel proud and greatful of myself. But the physical world is good at distracting us from looking within and seeing what our life journey truly is.
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“I was wrong Wrong to think I’d never find someone Who looks at me and knows that I’m the one Get a house, start a family Get a dog, and get married Whatever we want ‘Cause I was wrong”
Tháng Hai mang mình đến một thói quen mới. Mình học tiếng Ý đều đặn hơn, tích cực hơn và cảm thấy có động lực hơn về vị trí của mình trên đất Ý. Sau một lần “tỉnh ngộ”, mình nhận ra từ bao giờ mình đã quên mất điều mình thực sự muốn làm, rằng mình chỉ muốn giúp đỡ những người yếu thế, một cách đơn giản nhất. Vì nhiều áp lực xung quanh mà mình quên mất, tạo thêm ra nhiều áp lực hơn cho bản thân. Mình xin lỗi nhé!
Tháng Hai, mình tổ chức Tết ở Ý. Mình cố gắng giữ gìn văn hóa lễ tết Việt ở nơi xứ người. Mình rán nem, làm gà, mình mời các bạn tới đón tết. Mình nhận ra, mình cũng có một gia đình nhỏ ở đây. Mình cần yêu thương và trân trọng gia đình nhỏ này. Nhiều lúc mình cảm thấy cô đơn và hoài nghi mọi thứ. Nhưng họ vẫn luôn ở đó, sẵn sàng giúp đỡ. Mình cũng sẽ ở đây, cùng với họ.
Tháng Hai mình được đi làm. Mình nhận ra môi trường buôn bán không dành cho mình. Nhưng trải nghiệm nào thì cũng đáng học hỏi. Mình được biết thêm nhiều góc nhìn của cuộc sống. Dù mỗi lần đi làm về thân thể kiệt quệ, lần này mình còn bị cứng cổ mất mấy ngày, nhưng như vậy để biết rằng đồng tiền kiếm không dễ, và mình thực sự không cần nhiều tiền đến vậy.
Tháng Hai là tháng của ngày lễ Valentine. Mình có người tình mới. Có những cảm xúc khác lạ, thú vị thật nhưng mình không chắc là mình muốn những cảm xúc này trong thời điểm này. Có những cảm xúc quen thuộc cực kỳ nhưng cũng rất khó hiểu, cảm giác lúc nào cũng đang thiếu một thứ gì đó. Mình nghĩ, mình cần nhiều hơn là sự va chạm thể xác. Mình cần một sự kết nối.
Tháng Hai cũng mang trở lại cho mình con người đặc biệt ấy. Trước đó, bao giờ mình cũng đau đáu hướng về họ. Tại sao một người mình yêu thương nhất lại có thể ruồng bỏ mình như vậy? Mình đã tự hỏi. Nhưng giờ mình nhận ra, họ cũng chỉ đang tìm kiếm những gì tốt nhất cho bản thân họ. Chỉ là mình không phải là thứ họ cần. Mình chỉ cần biết là họ không ghét mình. Nhẹ nhõm thực sự. Cảm ơn vì đã quay lại!
Everyone knows about the two way relationship between the mind and the body. Everyone talks about how to be fit, how to move in order to have better mental health. It seems, that only looking at such direction, the two way dynamics already makes so much sense.
But I wonder, how about the role of the mind in our bodily health? How about the fact that being all stressed slows our metabolism badly? Or how our immune system plummets due to worries and anxiety? Or the fact that our bodies seem to all embrace the same narratives that the society, the people around us are telling despite our wide differences?
Since small, I was told about how a girl body should look like, which was bad enough. Then I grew up a little bit, the story expanded to what a certain type of bodies could do or become. And now, being closer to the age of 30, as I’ve met more people, read more and seen more, I’ve also been introduced to the slow deterioration of the human body. “You will feel your age, just wait!”
Hearing those narratives about bodies (whose bodies?), it would be so strange if my body doesn’t begin to act out those narratives. Since they’re personal experience, it seems so real to my brain to start to listen and believe. But I have to stop myself and ask: Whose personal experience?
Definitely not mine.
You can tell me beauty is abs and muscles. Good for you, and my idea of beauty is the diversity of shapes.
You tell me, fat people do nothing. But from what I see, they dance, they exercise, they move their bodies, they break the norms. Anything and everything that a skinny body does, a fat body can too.
And THIS one baffles me the most: they say, after the age of 28, you can’t party, you start to have back pain, your metabolism is slow, you can’t function without sleeping early. And then you give me unsolicited health advices. I am sorry for you, but please let me feel my body, let me love my body and love the way it ages.
I know many people are worried about their loved ones’ well-being. But if you’re my loved one, the best you can do is helping me love my body. When I love my body, I will feel it better, I will know what is needed, what is not. And aging is not scary. It simply means that you’re alive and you’re living your life.
From now, I will only accept the language of love and appreciation. Although I appreciate your worries about my body, please let me own it, and celebrate it the way it is. My goal is never to be alive as long as possible, but to live so I can enjoy my time, to live fully, peacefully and lovingly.
I claim back my body. Fully, kindly and patiently.
On the occasion of shingles popping up again on my nose, I sing to acknowledge the fact that I am stressed. I was neglecting my stress and worries but my body didn’t. She knows she’s stressed and she is weak.
“I am here. All this stress and worries belong. You belong.”
You came into my life on the first days of winter, when it was so cold and I’d thought I wouldn’t push it through the graduation. Then you were there at my graduation, a gentle and loving surprise. Winter was when it all happened for us.
You were also there through all the transitions of springtime, especially when I was lost and confused. Spring is usually the season of rebirths, but last spring brought me to places. I wasn’t always good, but you stayed by my side through the darkest hours.
We then slowly moved to summer. We had our first jobs together. Summer got us sweating non-stop, our bodies pained but we enjoyed our creative space, as well as the stress. Summer loving did happen fast but it didn’t just stop there.
Now that we’ve arrived in fall, we began the season with days paralyzed on bed. Again, I wasn’t at my best, but you never stopped loving me. You looked after me. I took care of you. Until we celebrated your birthday yesterday: black bean noodles, fun lottery for good luck, board games, family and friends.
I don’t want to stress out about what will be there for us anymore. It doesn’t matter. I’m not worried. After all the seasons, all the spaces we’ve been together, I see a full circle: you and me vs. the world.
My life has been full of trips, small trips and big trips. There have been moments where I feel completely fixed and done with traveling, but, at the same time, ‘what is Anh even, without all these travels?!’
I remember all my school trips always ended up with a fleeting feeling of disappointment. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting for, but I knew I had wanted something more to happen during those trips. Now, having passed those teenage years, I’ve gone to realize how passive I was, I expected something but all I did was waiting for that ‘something’ to happen. How silly!
This week I went to Perugia as the city was full of surprises. The whole city has been developed on mountains and so entering the city brings us to layers of houses, cultures and history. I came to discover the knowledge of Etruscan’s civilization, the ancient underground city. One evening, Niccolò and I went to watch a David Lynch’s movie at a youth cultural cinema and enjoyed Perugua’s underground young scene. Truly, Perugia is a dynamic city, however, all of these surprises wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t been actively seeking for new experiences.
People who know me also know how much I have been wanting to settle. But settling doesn’t mean that I want a static life. What I mean is a strong foundation for growth and new adventures, a forever loving home that I build to shelter my heart and mind, in order to feel safe to be creative, and to create.
Today’s full moon we dedicate to our inner love. We close our eyes, take a deep breath in then release. In our mind, we call the image of the people that we love, how they smile, how they embrace us in their arms, or simply with their warm aura.
We then continue to call in the people that we know, will never leave our side, the ones that love us. All they wish for us is a good life, no matter how that good life looks like for them, the intention is there: they want us to be happy.
We feel warm. We feel the love intertwined. We feel our love and their love. We love them unconditionally and we know that we are loved unconditionally.
I realize I do think a lot about ending my life. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing.
I’m still able to feel happy, excited and many other positive feelings. I feel a lot, but for some reason, feelings don’t fill me up like the way they used to.
Is it the hopeful feeling that I’m lacking?
To look deeper inside of me, I do see visions of how I would like my life to be. There are a lot of challenges ahead that I’m sure if I put my mind into, I will surely overcome them all. Yet the goals don’t seem so important and inspiring anymore. “Meh, I don’t mind if I won’t reach them to be honest”, I tell myself.
I feel like if I end it all here and now it wouldn’t be bad either. I’m old, tired and I have had enough. I see the points of being alive, but I also feel fine ceasing to seek further. I’m not depressed, I’m satisfied, enough to call it a life.
Every night before bed, I take my time to do my skinscare/bodily care routine. I take my time to wash my face, apply rose water, lotion, serum and gently massage my skin with sea buckhorn oil. I also make sure my feet get some attention with an expensive foot cream since they’ve been cracking in this dry climate of Italy. Then during winter days, I also use body lotion before bed to get some extra moist.
Despite so much money spent on products and so many steps to do, it doesn’t really matter what I use on my body. It is the fact that at the end of the day, I show up for myself, taking care and pamper myself. This little habit reminds me that I deserve love and care, that I will be the first one to give it to myself. It’s a habit that I will never rush doing, but do it with calmness, enjoy the gentle feels of the substance on my face and feel it absorbed into the skin while completely revelling in the herbal scent all around.
@happohippy 